Title:     Gifts
Author:    dtg
Email:     dgoggans@earthlink.net
Website:   http://home.earthlink.net/~dgoggans/
Rating:    PG
Spoiler:   William
Keywords:  post ep for William
Feedback:  Especially now...
Summary:   "I want you to be able to tell him the
           truth."
Archive:   Just let me know.
Author's Notes: This was such an emotional turn of
           events for everyone, I just needed to try
           somehow to make sense of it.

~~~~~~

Gifts by dtg



"Let him sleep, sweetheart. He'll be fine." Her 
husband pulls gently on her arm, tugging her toward 
the bedroom door.

She touches the baby's cheek, her face filled with 
wonder. "I still can't believe he's finally here." 
She whispers the words, touches the child's cheek 
softly, then follows her husband to the hall. She 
cannot bring herself to close the door completely. 
She needs to hear him breathing.

The night is clear and still, but spring has 
forgotten to come. It's chilly in the living room, 
and her husband adds a log to the fire before joining 
her on the couch. He slips one arm around her 
shoulders, kisses her hair softly. 

"He's everything I've ever dreamed of. He's perfect." 
The joy in her voice is tinged with worry, and her 
husband turns her gently so he can see her face.

"I want you to stop doing this to yourself. We've 
waited a long time for him, and he's a perfect little 
boy. There's nothing more we need to know."

She lowers her gaze, her voice a husky whisper. "*I* 
need to know. For William's sake, I need to 
understand how his mother could just give him to us."

He sighs and tips her chin up, kisses her forehead, 
her eyelids, both cheeks, and finally her lips. "Come 
to bed." He takes her hand and rises, tugging her up 
with him.

"Not yet. I... I need to sit by myself for awhile." 
She smiles reaches up on tiptoe to kiss him back. 
"I'll be along in a bit."

He returns her smile, but his eyes are clouded with 
concern. "Don't be too long. I miss you." He turns 
and heads up the stairs.

She sits back on the couch and closes her eyes, 
listening to the familiar night sounds of her house. 
It's an old house, built by her great-grandfather. 
She was born here, as was her father and his father 
before him. It's the only home she's ever known. And 
now it is her son's home.

Her son. Another woman's son. A woman who conceived 
him, bore him in her body, suffered for him, loved 
him... and gave him up. 

She opens her eyes, and her gaze falls on the only 
possession William brought with him to his new life. 
The blue infant carrier.

She gets up and crosses to the table where the social 
worker placed the carrier. The blanket that covered 
her new baby son is now tucked around him in his 
crib. She runs her fingers over the plastic cushion 
the held him, trying to get a sense of the woman who 
placed him in it for the last time. What did she 
feel? How could she do this?

Her seeking fingertips encounter a sharp corner and 
she frowns. Baby carriers shouldn't have sharp edges. 
She pulls the cushion away to see what it is, and 
finds an envelope. Plain. Blank. And somehow she 
knows... this is her answer.

She opens it with trembling fingers and begins to 
read:

<To William's mother-

    There is so much I want to tell you-- so much I 
need you to understand-- that I don't know how to 
begin. Someday, William will ask how he came to be 
with you, and I want you to be able to tell him the 
truth. Somehow, I know you want that, too.

    I need you to believe that if there had been any 
way to keep him with me, I would have moved heaven 
and earth to do it. You have him now because you can 
give him the kind of life that I would never have 
been able to provide. I believe that with all that is 
left of my heart.

    William's father is the love of my life. I can no 
longer remember a time when I didn't feel this way 
about him. That will never change. When you look into 
William's eyes, when he smiles, when he pouts, you 
will be seeing his father. His eyes are blue now, but 
I see the beginnings of his father's coloring in 
them. A beautiful hazel green, flecked with brown and 
gold. They will change with his mood. I learned long 
ago to read his father's eyes. You will learn to read 
William's, too. You'll learn that everything he feels 
will be there in his eyes. Love, most of all.

    William's father is the finest man I have ever 
known. His courage, his strength, his unconditional 
love, have brought me safely through the worst life 
has to offer. I know he would be with me now if he 
could, just as I know he would understand and support 
the decision I have made for William's future.

    William is special. He was a gift that we were 
not meant to keep. A miracle, conceived in the purest 
love two people can share. For the rest of my life, I 
will thank God for the time we had together, just as 
I will grieve for the future we could never have.
    
    Never doubt that William was loved and wanted. He   
meant the world to us, and he always will. I will be 
praying every day for the rest of my life that you 
cherish and love him as we would have done. 

God Bless You,

Dana >


She finds herself standing next to William's crib, 
not knowing how she got here. He is asleep... smiling 
in a dream, one hand tucked under his head, the other 
reaching out toward the crib railing. She reaches 
down and touches the palm of his hand with her 
fingertip, and feels her heart swell as his fingers 
curl around hers. Long, slender fingers, but strong. 
Like his father, she thinks, and her vision blurs 
with warm tears. For his mother. For his father. For 
whatever fate took this precious child away from 
them.

She waits until his fingers relax before drawing her 
hand back. The other clutches his mother's letter, 
now damp with tears.

"He will be loved, Dana. I promise you."

With a silent prayer for two people she will never 
know, she tucks the blanket around their son.

~~~~~

End