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One of the biggest surprises of new parenthood is that it is very hard to get a baby to fall asleep. This is so counterintuitive,
especially when you yourself would give anything for the opportunity to take a nap. For the first few months, there's not
much you can do: your baby's small stomach needs to be filled up at frequent intervals, and his neurological immaturity makes
him physically unable to soothe himself back to sleep when he's tired. He needs you to rock him, walk him around, nurse him,
give him a pacifier, etc. several times a day in order to get his rest. But eventually (around 4-6 months), he becomes physically
able to get through the night without eating, and to soothe himself when he wakes up between sleep cycles. The problem, according
to sleep experts, is that by this time they are so used to the conditions you have set up for them, that they still think
they need you to help them. They still wake up and cry for you every few hours in the night, and they may resist naps during
the day unless you perform elaborate rituals for them.
At this point you have a few options. If you do not mind the way things are going, you can continue following your instinct.
The baby may learn to sleep just fine on his own. If you want to try a few gentle methods of gradual withdrawal (for example,
replace a few of the night feedings with a reassuring visit from the baby's dad), you can. But the one thing that really
works is sleep training (a.k.a. "Ferberizing" or "crying it out"), where you teach the baby to sleep by
giving him a chance to try it on his own.
Some parents are hesitant to try this because they think it is mean. I really agonized over the decision, because I was
worried about my baby but also knew I could not go on waking up every hour in the night. We did it, and the results were
just amazing for Charlie and for us. Many argue that timely sleep training (around 6 months) will actually prevent the development
of bad sleep habits and problems in the future. Getting a good night's rest (and having a well-rested mother) is good for
the baby's health; as a parent, this may be one of the first times you have to make a decision about what is best for the
baby (getting enough sleep) versus what he wants (to hang out with you at 3:00 am). I am not saying that everyone "must"
sleep train, but I do urge everyone to read Ferber's book and learn what it's really about before they decide. I don't know
anyone who has tried it who didn't say the baby (and the whole family) was happier afterward.
I was initially suspicious of this method because it promises to work so quickly (about 3 days) and so universally for
all babies. I used to think that if it worked so quickly, this meant that it was traumatizing . . . that the baby exhausted
himself with crying and then fell into a hopeless stupor. I now believe that it works so quickly because the baby only needs
to learn one simple little thing; once he has a chance to try it, he realizes he can do it and it's not so bad. Even though
all babies are different and will learn in different ways, this skill is basic, and there really aren't a whole lot of different
ways to do it. They just need to try.
The plan does not magically work in 3 days; the baby tends to "get it" in 3 days, but it takes about 2 weeks
for them to settle into a new routine. And you can adapt it to your particular baby; for example, if you think your baby can't
stand crying alone for 5 minutes, you can start with one minute! If you think his cry sounds "different" one night
and you want to check on him right away, you can. But you do need to be committed entirely to the plan, or you will probably
be inconsistent with it. (One reason why Ferber's plan is better than the old cry-it-out plans is that you check on your
baby every 5 to 15 minutes. This is mostly to reassure YOU that everything is okay; otherwise, you are likely to cave in
the middle of the night.)
What you do is basically this:
First, wean off night feedings. Talk to your pediatrician; if the baby is 4-6 months old, they should be PHYSICALLY able
to sleep 12 hours without eating, just like adults. Of course, they will wake up for feedings and feel hungry in the night
because this is what they are used to. Therefore, it's better not to go cold turkey. Decrease the number of minutes spent
nursing by one minute each night, and increase the amount of time between feedings. Try to replace some of the feedings with
a simple reassuring pat (from the baby's dad if possible; this is less likely to remind the baby of yummy milk.) If you just
think 12 hours is too long for your baby to go without eating, you can try sneaking in and "topping him off" right
before YOU go to bed.
Once you have whittled the feedings down to a few minutes (or, a few ounces) per night, you can start the sleep training.
Start on a Friday so you can catch up on your sleep over the weekend. Make sure your baby is old enough (I think 6 months
is good. If you wait much longer, supposedly the bad sleep habits are harder to break), and that he is not sick or hungry
or otherwise uncomfortable. Follow a bedtime ritual, such as nursing, bath, pajamas, story. Then kiss the baby and leave
the room while he is still awake. This is the key: do not provide any props such as pacifiers, breast, or even your presence,
because the idea is for him to wake up under the same conditions that he fell asleep with.
Let him cry for 5 minutes before you go in to comfort him. Then, go in briefly, for about 2 minutes, to pat him and reassure
him that you are there and you love him and that it is time to go to sleep. Then leave again, even if he is crying. Do not
return for 10 minutes. Pat for 2 minutes again. Then wait 15 minutes. If he keeps crying, keep going in every 15 minutes
for the remainder of that crying session. He will eventually get tired and fall asleep. The next time he wakes up, start
again with the 5 minute interval, etc. The same person should perform all the visits in any given crying session, so the
baby doesn't think he can manipulate the outcome. On the second night, add 5 minutes to each increment (10/15/20), and the
third night, add 5 more minutes (15/20/25). The baby will learn that it's not worth it to cry that long just to get you to
come in for a pat.
For naps, you do the same thing, only you give up on the nap if it's been more than an hour.
The whole sleep training business is a sensitive issue, and of course it may not be for you if you just feel intuitively
that your baby really needs you in the night. For some families, night feedings past the 6-month mark still have that snuggly
feeling of "rightness." But for many, the baby's wakings and inability to sleep long stretches eventually seem
to bother him even more than his desire for food or snuggling. I get frustrated when I hear people say about sleep training,
"I just could never put my baby through something like that," or "The baby will only learn that communication
doesn't work, and that you aren't there for him." Here's why:
--A baby who is sleep-trained ultimately cries a lot LESS, because he is not waking up in a panic several times a night.
He may actually feel more comfortable and confident, because he knows he can soothe himself without help.
--Responding to every cry with nursing is not necessarily teaching the baby anything about effective communication either.
It might say, "I don't understand what's making you cry, but this will probably quiet you down." I always felt
intuitively that my baby's night cry was saying, "I'm tired and I can't fall back asleep!" (not "I'm hungry
and lonely!") Letting the baby cry for a few moments was my way of saying, "I know. I'm helping you learn to fall
back asleep. You will be okay." It all depends on the baby, but I don't buy the argument that sleep training means ignoring
the baby's communication.
--You respond to your baby with love and attention hundreds of times every day; he will know that you love him and hear
his cries even if you don't come right away in the night. Furthermore, crying is not always "bad." It is one of
the ways your baby lets off steam, and letting it happen for a few minutes is not enough to damage your child's trust. It's
not "unnatural" to let a baby cry a little bit; babies with older siblings often have to wait for their mothers
to be available for them.
Whatever you decide, good luck to you! I hope your baby sleeps well and often.
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