3410 words
April Fools' Gold

It was Friday, thank God, the twenty-fourth of March. The time was seven in the morning, and several thousand commuters, stuck in the stop-and-go traffic had their radios on. If they were tuned to KXRL, Long Beach, the sleepy commuters had their ears assaulted by a disgustingly cheerful voice:

"Good morning, all you happy slaves out there in freeway land. Yes, it's Niles Anderson, your faithful, talk-show host. I'm here to keep you awake, keep you amused, and to keep you thinking correctly about everything in general.

"On with the show. If you remember, we've been having a write-in contest to find just the right person to be the recipient of our annual April Fool's joke. As you know, we usually pick some unsuspecting person to play a joke on.

"Well, folks, this year we're pulling a switcheroo -- it's gonna be whom to play the joke for. If you'll bear with me, you'll soon know why we changed it. After reading hundreds of letters, we finally selected Billy Simms of Altadena.

Little Billy didn't write the letter. His father listens to this program, doesn't like me or my program, but he decided to enter the contest for the sake of his son, Billy."

"Billy is ten years old -- and, believe it or not, he was born on April Fool's day. He and his folks were in an auto accident recently. His mother was killed, and now Billy's in a wheelchair and may never walk again.

" Billy's dad wrote to the station and let us know that Billy is a magic buff, and his favorite illusion is Mardoom, The Magician making the elephant disappear from the pitcher's mound at Dodger Stadium.

"The station contacted Mardoom, and he has graciously agreed to donate his time and equipment to make Billy's birthday a happy one. I'll be there to help Mardoom. He told me there is a lot of clean up work when he uses an elephant in his act.

"The time will be five in the afternoon; the place is Hermosa Beach, five hundred yards south of the pier, on the beach. Come early to get good seats because a large portion of the beach will be roped off for the performance.

"Now I see the switchboard is lit up like a Christmas tree. Let's take some calls..."

Niles Anderson had only been in California for two years. He had transferred out from a radio station in Toledo, Ohio. It hadn't taken very many phone conversations to convince Niles that all Californians were either "wacko" extremists, sexual deviates, or emotionally disturbed criminals.

He would like to quit, but he needed the job. Lately though, his inner feelings were slowly creeping into his jousts with his callers. The station was concerned, but his ratings were good, so they took a wait-and-see approach to the problem.

At their initial meeting earlier in the week, Mardoom had acted quite surprised by Niles visit and said,

"Christ, you guys outa get together. I went through all the arrangements with your station manager two weeks ago -- some guy named Jessup. Do you know him?"

"Yes I know him." Niles answered, "I guess we just got our wires crossed." Niles allowed Mardoom to read Fred Simms' letter. When he read about Billy's condition and the family being too poor to afford an operation, he had tears in his eyes. Niles was suddenly not surprised that Mardoom had volunteered to perform for free.

When Fred Simms, Billy's father, received the phone call from the station informing him that his letter had won the contest, he couldn't believe it. Niles had to get on the phone and reassure him that it was the truth.

He recognized Niles' voice, and when Niles told him that Mardoom was putting on a special performance, just for Billy, Simms dropped the phone and ran to get Billy. He pushed Billy's wheelchair to the phone and said,

"Here, tell Billy. I know he won't believe me."

Niles told Billy all about the planned performance and congratulated him on being such a lucky kid.

Then, he told Fred Simms how the station would send a limousine to pick them up and return them to their home after the show.

"Mister Anderson," Fred Simms voice was deadly serious, "if this turns out to be some elaborate April Fools' joke, and you break my son's heart, I swear I'll kill you! I mean it."

"I lost my wife in that accident -- Billy is all I have to live for, and I will not have him hurt any more."

Niles assured him that it was no joke and hung up.

Later the same day, Mardoom stopped by the Simms house and went over the plans for the entire program.

He assured Fred that Billy would be well cared for, and the only contact Billy might have was a group of clowns. Clowns, he had hired from a theatrical agency to entertain the crowd prior to and during the show.

Fred told Mardoom that he still had his fingers crossed because he still didn't trust that Niles Anderson guy. He sure was an arrogant bastard on the radio.

During a short meeting on Tuesday, Mardoom, gaunt with greying hair and beard towered above Niles. Niles was a tubby little shorty with rust colored curls. Mardoom, whose real name was Chick Bennet, patted Niles on the top of his head; then, speaking in his deep theatrical voice commented on their appearance together -- "If I ever have to give up magic, maybe we could work up a comic Abbot and Costello act." He added, "It's a good thing we managed to get the equipment installed before you made that announcement. By now, there's a crowd of people messing around down there. All trying to get a clue as to how I make the elephant disappear."

Niles smiled, "They won't find anything and next Saturday, We'll give them a show they'll never forget."

Saturday, April 1, arrived right on schedule and so did several thousand people. Hermosa Beach was shoulder to shoulder with people.

Pickpockets were busy, street vendors selling everything from drugs to binoculars; and on every corner street musicians were entertaining for whatever you could spare.

Niles had arrived early and dressed in a clown suit. His face was made up in a silly, sad expression. He carried a bucket and a shovel as he followed the elephant up the beach.

When the elephant was in position on the platform. he started sweeping the sand with a broom.

At four-thirty, Mardoom's roustabouts cleared the beach and put up poles with ropes to keep out the crowd. Mardoom supervised the arrangement of chairs for the press and station guests. They were equally as far from the elephant as the elephant was from the surf. About a hundred yards of deserted beach, an elephant, and another stretch of beach, and then the ocean.

There was a whistling noise as someone checked out the public address system. Then, a drum roll. Mardoom, in that deep voice announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, how about a rousing welcome for our guest of honor, Billy Simms?"

Amidst thunderous applause, Billy, sitting in a high-backed, sedan chair, was carried by four men in Arabian tunics. He waved to everyone as he was carried out onto the sand about halfway to the elephant.

While the troop of clowns cavorted in the sand in front of Billy, the Arabs walked to each corner of the platform. While the T.V. cameras ground away, Mardoom made his slow majestic way to the tall stepladder that was standing close to the platform. Mardoom, microphone in hand, climbed the ladder.

As Niles made one, last, quick sweep behind the elephant, Mardoom disdainfully waved the clowns away as the Arabs assembled the sides of a canvas box around the elephant.

When they were finished, he waved his hands for quiet. "This, Billy, is what you asked for. Happy Birthday and to all APRIL FOOLS, Mardoom presents..."

He waved his hands and a huge cloud of purple smoke rose into the air. The sides of the box fell away and where the elephant had been ..., there were now two elephants.

The crowd started to laugh, Niles ran out with his bucket and shovel, and Mardoom started to apologize loudly.

The clowns were back out on the sand doing their act, when one of them stopped, pointed, and yelled up at Mardoom,

"Hey Boss, where's Billy? What did you do, use too much purple smoke? He was sitting right here, and now he's gone."

Niles, Mardoom, and Billy's father all raced to the chair. Billy was indeed gone, and sticking in the seat was a wicked looking knife. It was holding a note in place. Niles grabbed the note and read aloud,

"Hot shot magician, you make elephants disappear. I make kids disappear."

"This show was the radio station's bright idea. So, I don't think they'll hesitate to come up with five hundred thousand dollars in small, non-sequential, unmarked bills.

"Have it ready by Monday noon or the kid dies. The station will be contacted with delivery instructions."

"Holy shit," blurted out Niles just an instant before Fred Simms knocked him cold in a flurry of blind rage.

The scuffle and the sound of police sirens approaching caused the crowd to scatter in all directions.

Police Sergeant Howe arrived and started writing his report. He took one look at the trampled area, the crumpled note, and the knife, which had been handled by several people. He shook his head sadly and with the T.V. cameras still grinding, he snarled,

"You folks couldn't have screwed things up any worse, if you tried. I'll make my report to the F.B.I., and maybe they can straighten out this mess. In the mean time, if the kidnappers contact the radio station, you people better report the contact to the Feds immediately, or you'll all end up in jail."

The paramedics had treated Niles. He was Okay, just a bruised jaw and his left eye swollen closed. Fred Simms had to be sedated, and they decided to hold him overnight for his own protection. He was in no state to be out on the streets.

On the way back to Long Beach, Niles looked at Mardoom suspiciously out of his one good eye.

Mardoom looked back and spoke, "Don't look at me that way! I swear to God, I had nothing to do with Billy's disappearance.

"It ruined my presentation. I still had one more elephant to pull out of my hat, so to speak. I really wanted to see the expression on the kid's face when, all those elephants kept popping up."

"Well, if you didn't and I didn't," Niles demanded, "who did?" "I don't know, but I'm going to find out. Meet me at the T.V. studio tomorrow. We'll go over that film until I figure out how he did the trick."

The limousine pulled up in front of Mardoom's hotel. He got out, waved good-bye, and entered the building.

Niles had the driver drop him off in the alley and entered his apartment through the back door. He was still in his clown costume and didn't want to attract too much attention.

He was removing his make-up when the phone rang. It was Stanley Jessup, the station manager.

"Anderson!" His voice screamed in the receiver, "Get your tail back down here to the station. I want you here in time for the eight o`clock news.

"I'm going to make a public statement, and I don't want you to miss one word of it. Do I make myself clear?" And with that, Jessup hung up, giving Niles no chance to reply. Niles knew what Jessup was going to say and do. He shook his head sadly.

"Oh well, he was tired of Southern California, anyway."

He got dressed and after he got his VW Bug started, he headed for the station. He walked into the newsroom at five minutes to eight. Jessup was sitting on the corner of the desk. He appeared to be reading his speech for the last time prior to air time.

"Hi, Boss, what did you want to see me about? Couldn't it have waited till morning?" Niles walked over, poured himself a styrofoam cup of coffee. Grabbing a glazed doughnut, he took a bite. Jessup's neck slowly changed from a sickly pink to a dark, angry red. His eyes bulged and his mouth opened and closed several times.

"You idiot -- you stupid, bungling idiot! Have you any idea what you have done?

"If I didn't need your dumb ass around here to blame this whole mess on, you'd have been fired and sued three hours ago.

"You not only got that brat kidnapped in front of thousands of our customers, but you put this station in the position where we have to provide the ransom money.

"If anything goes wrong, and that kid gets hurt or killed; his father will get to us for millions.

"When this is over, you will never work for anyone again. And why do you keep pointing over my shoulder, Butthead?"

He turned and looked up to see the "ON THE AIR" sign lit up and flashing. He quickly looked at his watch. It read five after eight.

With his eyes wildly rolling in his head, he shouted,

"I don't care if the whole world heard me, you're still a dumb bastard and you're fired."

He turned and ran from the room. Niles grinned, waved at the sound technician; then, couldn't resist the last word --

"This is Niles Anderson, your faithful talk show host signing off."

As he started to leave, a blonde crew-cut in a three-piece, business suit stopped him. "Ed Masters, FBI," he introduced himself. "I don't care what that windbag, Jessup says. I want you here at the station tomorrow at eight in the morning.

"You'd better plan to stay until we have contact with the kidnappers. The note says they will make contact through the station and that probably means you. Okay?" Niles nodded his Okay and left for the night.

When he got home, he called Mardoom and told him he couldn't meet him at the T.V. studio because the FBI was insisting that he be at the radio station.

Mardoom agreed that it would be better if Niles were at the station and said he would do some investigating on his own.

Sunday was normally a quiet day at the radio station.

However, this Sunday was different: the phones were ringing nonstop: calls in support of Niles, calls pledging money for Billy's ransom, and calls demanding that the station do something about that Stanley Jessup.

The T.V. studio was re-broadcasting Jessup's outburst every hour and the people were not amused.

It was six in the evening when a scrubby kid carrying a skateboard came looking for the redheaded, talk-show guy. Security brought him to Niles, and after he handed Niles a note, Ed Masters, grabbed him by the collar and demanded to know where he got the note. He started to cry and said that an old wino who was sitting in a doorway, gave him two bucks to deliver it. They took his name and address and turned him loose.

The note read, "We know it's going to take all day Monday to get the money. Tuesday, at noon, have the kid's father bring the money to the bus depot in Long Beach, go in the men's room, and sit in a stall. He will be contacted. No cops, no transmitters, or dye bombs in the money bag, or the kid dies."

Tuesday, after Fred Simms carried the money bag into the terminal and didn't come back out, the police and FBI rushed in. They found Fred sitting with his wrist firmly cable-tied to Billy's wrist. They were in adjacent stalls and helpless to come out. The money bag was empty.

Fred hadn't seen anyone, and Billy had only occasional glimpses of a tall person in a ski mask.

Fred thanked the station people and the FBI and asked if he could take Billy home. He was told it was Okay, so he left.

Mardoom picked up Niles and told him he had something to show him. At his hotel, he replayed the video of the beach scene. Just before the purple smoke, he stopped the film and said, "Count the clowns." Niles counted ten clowns. After the smoke, he stopped again and Niles counted eleven clowns.

"Meet Bobby Simms, Billy's twin," Mardoom chuckled. "He's a pretty good little actor.

"I put a tap on Fred Simms phone and heard him telling some doctor in Atlanta he'd have the money for Billy's operation today. Fred and Bobby have plane reservations for Atlanta for five-thirty this afternoon.

"I guess, he sent Billy on ahead. Bobby is the one who was rescued at noon today.

"Now, Mister Niles Anderson, search your soul and decide. Do we turn them in and ruin their lives, or do you and I go out and get drunk? Hopefully, you won't lose your job. But if you do, I can sure use a good clown in my act."

"Why don't we finish the job? Then I'll get drunk with you guys." They both spun around in surprise. It was Ed Masters, the F.B.I. guy. He had been quietly watching the tape from the doorway.

"What do you mean, finish the job?" Niles asked, "I don't understand."

"You two geniuses can't possibly believe that Fred Simms is smart enough and had enough prior information to have pulled this off by himself, do you? Come on now! Someone had to have selected his letter, suggested the troop of clowns, and planned this stunt."

"That same someone had to have told Fred to keep Bobby's existence a secret. Fred couldn't have planned a kidnap involving a swap of twins even before he was selected. No way, Gentlemen. We have a real crook who did it for the money. Think about it -- half of $500,000 isn't bad for just coming up with the idea."

"Jessup!" Niles blurted out, "It's got to be Jessup. Chick, didn't you say that Jessup had contacted you two weeks before I came to ask you to do your magic for Billy? Who suggested the extra troop of clowns?"

"It sure was." Mardoom answered, "well, I'll be damned. That pompous bastard sure had me fooled. He even fired you for letting it happen. Back to Niles' question Ed -- what did you mean by finishing the job?"

"Here's what I had in mind, I had already figured out most of this little escapade and was weighing my options, so here's what I propose: let's wait until after Billy's surgery and all the bills are paid; then, I'll offer Fred a deal if he'll testify against Jessup.

"We'll take a statement from Fred to justify a search warrant to find the money in case Jessup decides to just sit on it. In the meantime, I have a round-the-clock watch on him. If he deposits any of the ransom money, or spends any, I arrest him. I have all of the serial numbers.

"Then Bobby will have his operation, I'll have my arrest, Fred'll get the shit scared out of him, so he'll never try a stunt like this again, and We'll go out and really hang one on to celebrate, okay?"

Everything worked out fine: listeners contributed more than three quarters of a million, the station refused to press charges against the Simms family, Jessup is doing seven years, Niles kept his job, and Mardoom reported seeing Billy and Bobby Simms in the audience at his performance in New Orleans. He said that Billy was walking with just a slight limp.

Niles called his cousin in Toledo; and when he got him on the phone, he sheepishly told him, "You know -- when you get to know them, these Californians are really -- just like the folks back home."