If At First ... by Jill B. Hart
Page 2
Amy's heart leapt with joy. She could feel it beginning. Alone in her apartment later that evening, she let her thoughts drift back to other times and other chances. She wandered through what seemed like a thousand past attempts. She'd stopped keeping track of how many times she'd tried, but she never stopped trying to see where things had gone wrong. So much depended upon timing, upon keeping things on course and making the right choices. She swore she'd keep her eyes open this time. She'd be more careful this time. Of course, she'd said that before, too.
Her mind continued to wander as she undressed for bed. Then a glance at her reflection, flashing past in a mirror as she opened the closet, turned her thoughts to herself. In the full-length mirror, her eyes instantly focused on every well-known flaw. She turned away, but her eyes were drawn back again. She stood staring at herself. There was pain in what she saw. Her reflection had become a bitter enemy.
She knew she was not beautiful, not someone who could turn heads. From her dull brown hair to her too-plump legs, the image of her body brought her pain. The cruel and careless comments of classmates and coworkers heard over a lifetime made her overlook her best features. Whenever anyone told her she was pretty she disregarded or ignored them. Only Mark was different, he was kind and wonderful. He loved her.
She pulled herself away from the mirror and crawled into bed, but dark thoughts fed on the quiet and the night. Life was lonely, almost unbearably so. Throughout her school years she had been alone and isolated. College failed to change things so she dropped out and went to work. Instead of filling her, the nine to five routine had left her even more separate and empty.
There were been brief times when things became different. Mark Sullivan would create those times. He would change things. Again. He would open the life of her dreams. She remembered how it had been, in her past attempts. She recalled the total joy, the elation she felt. "Things will work, they'll be different this time," she swore."