Communication and Eating Disorders     

            Sherry was in a quandary. An acquaintance from church had asked Sherry to take over a major project on short notice. But Sherry was already overbooked, raising three children and taking night classes in accounting. How could she say "No" to such a worthy cause, especially to someone who knew all her friends? She was literally panicked, waiting for the phone call when she would have to give her answer.

            Have you ever felt like this? If you have trouble saying what you mean, or fear that your true messages are unacceptable, you are not alone. Our culture does not encourage honesty. We think we are not supposed to hurt people's feelings, express disinterest in their problems, have prejudices, or feel negative. Daily life abounds with indirect statements.  Standup comics say, "You've been a great audience," when they really mean, "I hope you think I'm great." On the phone, we say "I'll let you go," when we mean, "I want to hang up now."

 
           We become so expert at hiding these true messages from others that eventually we forget them ourselves. But in the thousands of hours I've spent over the last 25 years helping people explore their inner lives, I've found that the messages we hide don't just go away. They are how we really feel sometimes! "I'm not really interested in what you're saying." "I'm proud of my achievement and hope you'll praise me." "It's hard for me to hear your good news when I'm feeling so discouraged."  And sometimes we even have a judgment: "I think that's a dumb idea." What do we do with such messages? Because they think these messages are unacceptable, millions of people eat or drink to drown them out.

 
           Now I'm not saying you should go around disclosing every single feeling or reaction you have. I only want to show how many kinds of true feelings we tend to hide, and that SOME of them can actually be communicated in constructive ways. The good news is that therapy for an eating disorder does not consist solely of agonized soul-searching or battles with food. Something as simple as improved communication skills can make a major difference. You won't have to swallow your feelings if you can communicate them!

            If you know how to ask for what you want, defend yourself against intrusive questions or requests, and easily find the words to give and receive compliments, you are less likely to turn to food to soothe nerves ruffled by frustrating interactions. Specific skills include how to ask for what you want, how to accept a compliment, how and when to express anger constructively, finding the statement behind (most) questions, "I" language, nonjudgmental language, meta-communication.....and many more!

  
                      Abridged from my instructional materials.

 

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