The Maddening Family Passenger

 
           In this country, we expect young people to grow up, learn to take care of themselves, leave the family nest, and create a home of their own. They might go to work for Dad or Mom, but they pull their weight. By contrast, some people can’t – or won’t – grow up. They become the family passengers.

            I’m not referring to people with genuine handicaps, or to those who simply move slowly through developmental stages of life. Nor am I referring to those who make genuinely good use of family resources, such as paying for advanced education or training, down payment on a first home, or a nest egg while they make a living out of their own efforts. Passengers, by contrast, could make it on their own – they just don’t try. Year after year, they ask for – and get – another handout, and another. Or they make half-hearted or hare-brained attempts, but the result is the same. Some passengers are apathetic, some are blamers, and some are manipulative. All have an enabler, the person who makes this lifestyle possible; most also have frustrated and infuriated siblings or other relatives.

            How can such patterns go on for so long? An unfortunate partnership is at work. The apathetic passenger may have parents who don’t want to be left alone in an empty nest or who feel they must make up for past shortcomings. The blaming or manipulative passenger gets the immediate gratification of the free ride or the uncritical audience that supports his or her script. The parents don’t want to admit they have made mistakes, and by convincing themselves that the offspring needs “just one more year” they can keep believing they have been right all along. Or the parents become frightened, thinking of catastrophes that might occur if they withdraw their support.

            This pattern is not self-limiting. I have known instances of people living into their sixties without becoming independent. Such people have never experienced the gratification of mastering a legitimate skill and making their way in the world. The passenger syndrome illustrates how some people can offer help, others misuse help, and both have a hard time knowing when to stop.

            Abridged from “The Family Passenger,” The California Therapist, 1995, 7 (1), 37-41.

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