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by Laurie Sontag
An award-winning humor column about life, parenting and accidental butt-cleavage sightings from the Gilroy Dispatch and the Humor News Service.
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Attack of the Ugly Bridesmaid Dresses
I was cleaning my closet when I was viciously attacked by an ugly bridesmaid dress.
Aren't all bridesmaid dresses ugly? Don't try to tell me that you haven't met a bridesmaid dress you didn't like. If a bridesmaid dress is from the 1980's or early 1990's, it's ugly.
That's the law.
Brides always tell you that the dress they picked and want you to shell out $400 for can be cut down and worn later. Right. Like I'm going to pay another $100 for alterations to something so blindingly ugly no amount of money will fix it, and then I'm going to wear it in public--again.
That is not going to happen.
Bridesmaid dresses are usually some hideous color like peach or yellow. When brides pick colors they think of flowers and tablecloths. They do not think that they are dressing up their closest friends in bright yellow dresses with embroidered bolero jackets that make them look ludicrous, not exotic. I know. I wore one. I even had matching shoes.
Some brides have themes, hence the Gone with the Wind style of dresses. I have a couple of these, one thankfully, was light blue, a color that is reasonably flattering to all who wear it. But when I'm walking down the aisle in lipstick red ruffles, wearing gloves and a hat and carrying a parasol, I can't help but think that the bride hates me. She must. Who would do that to a friend?
Then there are the dresses with bows. Or rhinestones. Or, God forbid, both. I have one of these. It is a peach color not found in nature. There are bows on each shoulder, the bodice, and most horrifying, the rear. Now I ask you, how do you expect me to camoflauge the size of my butt if it's wearing a giant peach bow? And it didn't stop there. No, this bride went all out. There are rhinestones decorating the center of each bow. They glittered in the candlelight ceremony. It was awful.
That brings me to another rant. Candlelight ceremonies. Hey, I'm wearing cheap high heels that have been dyed to match an ugly dress. The lights are shut off, I'm carrying flowers and a large flame and you expect me to see where I am walking? Does anyone else think that this will end up on the news? "Church burned by flammable bridesmaid. Story at 11".
Before you ask, yes, my bridesmaids wore hideous dresses. The hats were worse. Little triangle shaped things with big, fluffy tulle poofing straight up out of them. They looked like overdressed pink pirates parading down the aisle.
At least I can tell you I didn't pick them. My mom and sisters picked the dresses, hats, and ugly lace gloves. This is particularly strange since my sisters were in the wedding. They wanted to wear those ridiculous hats.
My mom even picked matching nylons out for all my friends to wear since the dresses were something called "tea length". I do not understand tea length. Is that the length you wear to tea? Does that mean you have "lunch length" or "snack length"? It made no sense, but the dresses were ugly anyway, so what did it matter? At least tea length meant that none of my bridesmaids had to spend an extra $100 shortening the dress so they could pretend they would wear it again.
But that brings me back to my closet. None of those dresses have seen the light of day since the about 1995 when some friends had an ugly bridesmaid dress party. We painted our toenails to match the dresses and ate previously frozen wedding cake and watched old movies. There were prizes for ugliest original dress, ugliest dress altered for new use, ugliest dress handmade by the bride's mother and other categories. I lent out two of my dresses, so I won three prizes. One for ugliest overall, one for ugliest dress with a petticoat and one for ugliest dress that could be mistaken for curtains. It was floral polyester.
I don't know what to do with these dresses now. I mean, I've invested a small fortune in them. I guess I will let them hang out in my closet a while longer, memories of days gone by when my butt was able to handle the humiliation of a rhinestone studded bow.
Or maybe I could make curtains. Floral polyester in the kitchen may be just the touch it needs.
Copyright 2001 Laurie Sontag