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by Laurie Sontag
An award-winning humor column about life, parenting and accidental butt-cleavage sightings from the Gilroy Dispatch and the Humor News Service.
Now Available! Laurie is in Chicken Soup for the Soul Celebrates Mothers. Click the Amazon link below to buy it now!
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Motherhood, a Real Reality Show
I have become addicted to reality television. I love it. Don't you dare disturb me during Survivor or The Amazing Race or Lost. I love those shows. I do. Well, I don't like the reality love shows. I mean, come on, who really cares about 20 sexy singles who have perfect faces and figures, prancing about on a bareback cruise and stabbing each other in the back just so they can win a dream date and $200,000? Please. That is not reality. That's dating with attitude.
Of course, I've heard lately that the other reality shows aren't real either. And that got me thinking. If reality TV is real, how come they don't have a Survivor for women? I mean, facing down hungry lions is nothing compared to facing down twenty loads of laundry. That's reality, folks.
So I decided I would pitch this idea to CBS. I think it should be called Mommy Survivor. I've got it all planned out.
First, you take 16 contestants. Each a woman is from a different state and from different walks of life. The only requirement is that she be a mother or a grandmother.
Now, you split these women into two groups--or tribes, if you will--of eight women each. You only allow one luxury item per person and that item can't be moisturizer, their Mary Kay display case or a first aid kit. You'd be amazed at what women can make just from those three things.
Next, dump the contestants in a deserted area. Now, I've thought long and hard about locations. You see, it can't be a Pacific Island or Africa or basically anywhere that is remote. If you don't have to clean the house, do the laundry, take the kids to soccer, gymnastics, school or the grocery store, it's not deprivation. It's a vacation. So I decided that the contestants would be locked in an empty condominium complex in Toledo.
Now, in order to make this a true contest, and to get good ratings, we will up the ante. Each team will have only Rice Krispie treats to eat, unless they can hunt their own food or win food contests. They will not have any clean towels. The only TV in the condo will not receive Oprah, HBO or Lifetime. It will truly be primitive.
And the challenges--well if you think starting a fire with two sticks is exciting, wait until you see my contests. There are two types of challenges--for immunity and food. These are important, since mommies can't live on Rice Krispie treats alone. And of course, everyone on the show will want to survive the Condo Council.
For a food challenge, the first team to make a complete meal for four using only a cup of rice, a small chicken breast, two stalks of old broccoli and four strawberries wins. There are bonus points for the team that makes the meal stretch to five when the show's host invites his boss to dinner at the last minute.
Another food challenge might be the breakfast challenge. The first team to convince a nutritionist that milk, bologna and Gummi Bears are perfectly acceptable foods to serve your child at breakfast wins this food contest.
Immunity contests will be much more difficult. For example, one immunity challenge will be that each team gets a minivan with stained seats and a radio that only gets the golden oldie station. They then have to pick up seven children, fit them in the van and take them to seven different destinations within a half-hour. The team who does so without receiving a ticket, screaming at the children or forgetting a kid in the car wins the immunity challenge.
Then there is the immunity challenge for shopping. The contestants are dropped off at a mall with a list of twenty items to buy. The items are at different stores throughout the mall. They will be armed with one check, no ID and a credit card that is over the limit. The first team to buy the items on the list using only the check and the credit card will not have to kick someone out of the condo.
You know, I think this might work. It needs a few more challenges, but it just may be a hit.
Mommy Survivor. The real reality show.
Copyright 2002 Laurie Sontag