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by Laurie Sontag
An award-winning humor column about life, parenting and accidental butt-cleavage sightings from the Gilroy Dispatch and the Humor News Service.
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The Mom Olympics - Live From a Living Room Near You
I've dreamt of Olympic glory since I was a kid. In my dreams, I stand on the podium, accept my gold medal proudly and place my hand over my heart while the national anthem plays. Now, in my dream I never actually perform any athletic feats of brilliance to earn the medal. This is probably because I am completely devoid of any athletic prowess in any sport except laundry sorting.
But what if there were a Mom Olympics?
We could have both summer and winter games, same as the other Olympics. As for the winter games, I don't like snow so we'd have to have our winter games in places that don't get cold. That means that Utah doesn't have to waste their money bribing the moms in charge.
As for the actual competitions, obviously we'd have substitutes for all the sports involving snow and ice rinks. But I've come up with one or two ideas for the Mom Olympic games that I think would work.
Snowboarding
The snowboarders in the other Olympics have a reputation for being party animals. Not the snowboarders in the Mom Olympics. We take our X sports seriously--even if we're more gardenboard than snowboard.
When the start pistol is fired, a mom rushes from an open door onto a porch and lands on a skateboard. Without falling, the mom has to balance her purse, a small child, her sunglasses and car keys. Then she has to flip past the iris, under a large rose bush, through the lawn, up and over the neighbor's river rock, jump over the statue of the angel child reading a book, land on the sidewalk, and propel herself down to the end of the cul de sac, where she must land with precision in another neighbor's Japanese Maple. Extra points are given to contestants that add a large mocha latte to everything else they are juggling. Points are deducted if the small child is lost along the route.
Ice Dancing
This is a beautiful event, usually done by a mom and a specially trained family dog. First, the icemaker in the refrigerator explodes, shooting ice from the in-door dispenser all over the floor. The dog runs in to chase the ice around, followed by a mom dressed elegantly in a ratty old bathrobe and slippers. Music accompanies the dog and mom as they bob and weave on the ice. Required in the routine are several difficult moves, including ripping the dispenser off the refrigerator, slamming into the dishwasher, and grabbing the dog up off the floor without falling. Bonus points are given for grace, style and the ability to invent swear words no one has ever heard before. Points are deducted if the bathrobe falls open, revealing the faded nightshirt beneath.
Downhill Skiing
This race is run in a two-story facility. The contestant stands at the top of the stairs and duct tapes a naked GI Joe doll to one foot and twenty-two Lego pieces to the other foot. When the start buzzer sounds, the mom skis down the stairs, avoiding such obstacles as a Betsy Wetsy doll, several hot wheel cars, the rest of the Lego collection, the dog and a stack of magazines on her way to the bottom. Bonus points are given to any mom who doesn't fall over the railing.
The Luge
In the Mom Olympics, the luge is quite different--mainly because I have no idea what a luge really is, but I like the sound of the word. In the Mom Olympics luge competition, a child is placed at the top of a really tall, skinny slide. The mother must race up the slide, grab the child at the top and slide to the bottom. Points are deducted if the mom's butt is too big to fit in the confines of the slide or if she gets stuck on the way down. Once at the bottom, the mother must carry the child over her shoulder and negotiate the pea gravel play yard and make her away across the lawn to the finish line without stepping in dog poop. All of this is done barefoot, of course.
So there you have them, a few of the games for the Mom Olympics. Start practicing, because I think the first games will be held in 2003 in Hawaii.
Provided that the Hawaiians can save up enough money for bribes, of course.
Copyright 2002 Laurie Sontag