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by Laurie Sontag
An award-winning humor column about life, parenting and accidental butt-cleavage sightings from the Gilroy Dispatch and the Humor News Service.
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Never Light A Match and Other Sleepover Rules
Junior had a sleepover last night. Of course, this means that today I am totally exhausted and wondering what possessed me to say yes to the sleepover idea. Believe me, not only is it risky to have two boys in the house torturing Harry, the dog and me, but it also sets a dangerous precedent. Once you open the door to sleepovers, you can't close it.
Now, I know this. I remember sleepovers. As a kid, my best friend, Cheryl, and I would spend the night at each other's house. We would stay up all night talking about boys, listening to records and painting each other's fingernails. We would eat all the junk food we could find and eventually, my dad would come out in his underwear, humiliating me to no end, and tell us to be quiet or Cheryl would never spend the night again.
So why did I say yes?
Well, I thought maybe boy sleepovers would be different. Junior and his friends would die before painting their nails. They don't listen to records, they play Game Boy. And boys do not stay up all night talking about the opposite sex, because everyone knows that girls are gross, cootie-covered creatures not worth a boy's time.
It turns out, though, that boy sleepovers are mainly about contests. It was like their testosterone levels had suddenly run amuck. They had numerous battles over who was the fastest, strongest, coolest and smelliest. Unfortunately, there was a tie in the smelliest category. All I could do was shut the bedroom door and hope nobody lit a match.
Once the contest portion of the evening was over, the boys turned to food. They ate so much, their stomachs should have exploded. Cookies. Juice. Ice Cream. Juice. Popcorn. Juice. You get the idea. This morning, after I am fully awake, I'll take out a second mortgage to pay the grocery bill.
After the boys ate us out of house and home, they turned to fort building. Every parent understands fort building. Put two boys in the same room for more than five minutes and they will create a fort using all the furniture cushions, a throw rug, the dog's bed and a coffee table. They will spend hours making this fort. They will argue over construction, design and materials. They will test the tunnels and jumps a million times, making minute adjustments here and there. Once it is perfect, they will play in it for two seconds and then abandon it. And that's exactly what Junior and his friend did.
By the time the fort was complete, I was tired, cranky and in desperate need of my beauty sleep. I really don't know why they call it a sleepover, nobody actually sleeps during one. But I had to try to get them in bed or face the mean, ugly mommy who would look back at me from my mirror in the morning.
First, I attempted to get them in their pajamas. Apparently, pj's aren't cool. So they decided to sleep in their clothes. Fine with me. I pick my battles. Unfortunately, I picked tooth brushing as my battle. Stupid, stupid me. You see tooth brushing at a sleepover is really all about who can get the most toothpaste smeared on the walls, mirror and the other kid.
Then I tried the "calm down" movie. You know, I figured I'd sit the toothpaste-covered rugrats in front of a movie and they would fall asleep. Did I mention that I am stupid? The movie not only didn't calm them, it energized them. Each time a song came on, the boys were up and dancing. Each time a fight scene took place, the boys armed themselves with straws and had mock battles. Maybe the calm down movie should have been Winnie the Pooh and not Iron Giant.
Finally, I put the boys into Junior's room and told them to go to sleep. Two hours later, the boys were still laughing and talking and I was getting crankier and uglier by the second.
So I did what any parent in my situation would do. I gave up. I went to bed. I ignored the noise and got my beauty rest&emdash;or at least most of it. Now all I need is a full pot of extra-strength espresso and I should be able to face this morning's toothpaste battle and fort building.
But this afternoon, I'm going to need a nap.
Copyright 2002 Laurie Sontag