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| Oh my God. Are you kidding me? |
Dear UPN,
I know it's not PC to use this word, but, UPN, you're totally retarded.
It's not possible that you're thinking: “Hey, we have this amazing and fresh freshman show that posted lackluster numbers
but engendered enormous buzz and critical fanfare. We've got to do something. Let's kill it!” In light of this, I'm
having a hella hard time figuring out what it is you are thinking moving this awesome show, Veronica Mars into
a deadly time slot against ABC's mega hit Lost.
The first thing you're likely thinking is that VM is now paired with your network's powerhouse (ugh, by the way), America's
Next Top Model. If you're expecting this show not to run out of steam mega soon, you haven't been watching the trends.
Also, that means you're assuming that these shows draw the same demographic. Really? You think? I think that's less likely
than VM and Lost doing so, and the latter show is bound to win. What's that giant murdering force in the forest on
the island? It's the doom of Veronica Mars
This first line of reasoning leads me to what is likely your second, which is audience. I'm aware that, for the sake of advertisers
who act very much like the seagulls in Finding Nemo, you have to draw out a fairly rigid viewing demographic. For
VM, you probably sell it as 14-24 females. Since Lost sells to 18-32 males, you likely see this as counter programming.
But like Buffy before it, VM's demo cannot be so easily sussed out. It draws an older audience of people who have
no hopes for the glory of high school. It draws guys who want more character than the likes of Law and Order and CSI
are willing to give. VM would, in fact, play much better against such powerhouses as these than the one show on the fall
slate (aside from Alias) that caters to the exact same quirky outsider thrill-seeker audience. Big thing in forest
says crunch.
What was wrong with Tuesdays at 9:00 where VM lived out its first season? It was indeed hard to find that audience, but things
are looking up. Not only has One Tree Hill lost its luster, but it's moving to another night anyway. So you have
no competition on the one network you really can beat, The WB. In fact, the frog hasn't been able to come up with a new hit
in a while; it's two biggies are the aging (but excellent) Gilmore Girls and that dreck of a dinosaur 7th Heaven.
They have no counter programming for VM, so why don't you steal their Tuesday night GG audience? Hey, smart women (your
demo, so you say) looking for something good to watch! Switch over to UPN; have we got a show for you! On Wednesdays, you
have your insipid ANTM audience (who you're totally going to lose to that Martha Stewart version of the Apprentice, anyway);
they don't give a crap for smart programming. I mean, did you see what they're watching? You had some smart viewers during
the first two seasons, as they do tend to enjoy a novelty from time to time, but lost them long ago. Now you have drones.
VM is too smart for drones. The smart ones are hanging out on Wednesdays at 9:00 watching Lost in its new slot.
Is this becoming clear?
Look, we'll find a way to watch VM any way we can. People can tape Lost for us (since no one we know even watches
VM) and we'll stay true to our brainy super sluth with a wicked tongue and a penchant for bad boys (can we way in, Rob Thomas,
on not throwing Logan off that bridge so he and Veronica can play smootchies all season? By the way, Rob, since we
have you here, you shaking in your boots over UPN's moving your show? We feel for you). We know she needs us. But few people
will choose this way, especially as so many of them just picked up on VM in those last 7 episodes.
UPN, I know it's tough being the number 6 network. The bottom is a lonely place. But with choices like these, I gotta say
that it's no great wonder. That's a challenge. What you gonna do about it?
Yours truly,
Wall to Wall Carpet
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