Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sun light. Only view the world through the peep hole on your front door.

Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. Shower once a week. Use no more than 2 gallons of water per shower.

Buy a trash compactor and use it once a week. Store garbage in the other side of your bathtub.

Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High."

Watch only unknown movies with no major stars on TV and then, only at night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then watch a different one.

Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Optional- cold beans and wienies, canned ravioli or soup).

Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then scramble a dozen each morning.

Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.

Use Kool Aid on all your breakfast cereals for 2 months.

While doing laundry, replace liquid fabric softener with diesel Fuel... savor the aroma of AMR-2-LL.

At night, replace all light bulbs in the living room with red bulbs.

Buy all food in cases and line the floor with them.

Paint the windshield of your car black. Make your wife stand up through the sunroof and give you directions on where to drive. Drive through as many big puddles as possible.

Start every story with "This is no-shit."

Install a furnace and air conditioner that blows directly on you while you are sleeping. Have the controls so they will cycle to hot and cold in a matter of seconds. Also install a multi-channel entertainment system over your rack that don't work.

Install the system above where it will cause a 6 inch vacuum in the bedroom.

Make your kids some Kool-Aid and add 5 times more sugar than needed and then set it out to get hot.

Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, a and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.

Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.

Make sure all your personal belongings will fit in a 2' X 2' space that has lots of cables running through it.

Mount as many sharp-cornered lockers as you can in all the most traveled halls of your house. Leave almost room to squeeze by.