For couples, overcoming their own emotional barriers around money may be the first place to start when money issues start to cause marital conflict. After that, sharing those feelings and perspectives can help to get some alignment to financial goals and decisions. It would be nice if money management was taught in school like driver's education used to be or if money attitudes were discussed during courtship. But the only driving our couple may be doing is driving themselves crazy around money issues.
Before marriage, couples may discuss their sexual exploits before ever speaking of how much money they make. In an ideal world, couples would discuss their money needs, processes and styles prior to marriage. In the real world, couples tend to take a passive attitude for solving money dynamics. For example, they might think that love would allow them to straighten out their finances.
It seems as though a saver or hoarder of money type partner always finds a partner who spends it as fast as they make it. One partner wants the BMW automobile and the other, fearful of the future, feels they better play it safe with the Toyota. During marriage, one spouse may be saving for a large vacation while the other spouse is ready to go on the vacation now. At the same time their communication around money seems to be on vacation. One spouse may take on money matters as if by default as the other doesn't want anything to do with it.
The range of problems can stem from upbringing around money, social pressures and personal money assumptions. For example, one spouse may be earning most of the family revenue or each spouse comes from opposite wealth backgrounds. Each of these issues can cause friction, especially when the feelings behind them are not discussed. Marital money problems may even become larger when one partner makes all the decisions alone or finances are thought of as separate. Some spouses even maintain separate bank accounts long after the marriage begins.
Rather than discussing some of these feelings and issues, partners may use money as an emotional tool. Money may be manipulated, controlled, withheld etc. as underlying these components may be competitiveness, mistrust, and dependency.
A strong component of how money is handled may come from upbringing. Growing up, some receive messages to "marry rich," "women don't handle money" or that money is dark in its nature. Conforming or rebelling to your parent's approach to money may define one's own style rather than developing it on your own. Housework or childcare may be seen as less significant than a breadwinner's role. Since money management is not a topic of educational study, how one approaches it, uses it and gets it, can be almost unconscious or conditional. But money issues can't be handled like driving a car. Meanings and symbols are often attached to money as it pervades all aspects of our lives. Handling money matters by default can lead to methods inappropriate for the couple's true goals. Add to this a society where upscaling seems to be the norm and money pressures keep life skidding like a BMW on slick ice. In our changing gender role society, issues such as women making more money than men or a couple deciding on whether to take a job transfer of one spouse can cause our skidding BMW to fall into the ditch by the side of the road.
After coming to grips with one's own upbringing, societal influences and how each partner handles money, the next step is open communication. The most successful principals for dealing with money issues are discussions that occur both openly and directly at the time, in order to find those interests that are shared. Placing special emphasis on the feelings that come up, each partner can then bring a balance back to such discussions as wealth accumulation, money usage and raising children.
A good example is when one spouse earns a disproportionate amount of money compared to the other. The smaller earner can exhibit feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment. Feelings of entitlement or contempt may be directed from the larger earner. Sharing feelings such as these may be the most difficult ones to discuss and acknowledge in the marriage as a whole.
The three most important areas to come to agreement on are how money is used, how money is procured, and how money is handled. As for use, a compromise may need to be reached when attitudes of saving and spending conflict. Perhaps two separate investment or bank accounts can be set up. One account can be used for discretionary spending now and the other used for future spending. As for where the money comes from, a balance of time spent together versus time at work needs to be discussed openly. In addition, each partner needs to be supportive of the other's choice of occupation. As for the management of money, a general rule is that unilateral decision making can lead to long term problems. Since money affects the relationship, each spouse should take an active interest. Education of financial issues can help to remove the "boring" label one gives to it. If one or both spouses wants to avoid the issue of handling money, they need to spend time to learn about money and investments and to come to grips with the responsibilities that money bring. While learning to drive a car, one doesn't inform their instructor that since they only like accelerating, they will not utilize the car's braking features. If one spouse alone is determined to make specific type of financial decisions, this then should be an openly negotiated exception.
The overriding principal is one of work. Since money permeates all that we do, the only way to make the money relationship successful is to spend the time and the effort to do so. Agreements and strategies can be reached if the spouses are willing and determined to do so. Also, it wouldn't hurt if they'd change the oil once in a while.