Jemma is a 7 year old Dalmatian who loves the water. Here she is visiting in Vancouver, BC, at Jericho Beach, looking for her tennis ball. Other interests include FOOD!, chasing squirrels, and lying on the couch observing Fay and Vince busy about their human activities of writing and painting .......
But, enough of Vince and Fay, what is important
to note is that Jemma, while lying on her couch, has become somewhat of
a dog-philosopher-guru who is willing to freely share her sage advice to
those who humble themselves to ask ........
"From Jemma's
Couch," Jemma's advice column,
may change your life forever ............
or at least for a few minutes ........
(go to the newest posted letter )
Jemma does the occasional art piece as well.
This "sidewalk art" was released by her last Spring ........ (really!):
Not bad for someone with no fingers, huh!
Jemma
& Faith out walking in a fogged-in Vancouver Christmas '99.....
The following letter was received by Jemma last year, but, as it is a favourite of hers, it is repeated here for your edification:
"Dear Jemma,I am a lonely man in his (very) early forties who has much to offer a woman. Unfortunately, I can't seem to find anyone who is interested in: art, spirituality, Mayan history, traveling, teaching, reading, creating computer animations, the Internet, "Yellow Submarine," petroglyphs, putting fake insects into people's beds, sending nonsense emails to all my friends, and laughing insanely at relatively nothing.
Am I asking too much of the Universe? Where can I find my Soulmate?Sincerely,
Nowhere Man"
Dear Nowhere Man,
First of all, I'd get a different handle. "Nowhere Man" doesn't exactly inspire confidence in a woman .....
And, no, I don't think you are asking too much of the Universe, you just haven't been asking loudly enough. You need to throw back your head and howl sometimes to get what you need. And, you have to know where to howl. This is a very good place to howl loudly. Your howl will be heard all the way to Canada:http://www.christian.matchmaker.com/ But, the most IMPORTANT thing to remember is this: when you do find that special woman, or, more likely, when she finds you, remember to bring a tennis ball or two as a small gift for her dog. This is VERY IMPORTANT. A pack of milk bones wouldn't hurt either. Keep 'em coming!
Good luck to you,
Jemma
"Dear Jemma,I am in a love triangle and need your help ASAP! I cannot choose between my boa constrictor, Squeezer, and my rabbit, Sweet Nibble. I love them both, but Sweet Nibble is threatening to move out unless Squeezer does. What should I do?
Sincerely,
A Lover not a Fighter"
Dear ALNAF,
A triangle is only a triangle if you are in it. Get it? So, beat it! Let Squeezer and Sweet Nibble work things out themselves. I guarantee that in just a few hours you will be left with only one satisfied pet and a peaceful household.
Of course, if that doesn't work, I'd be happy to have a one-to-one counseling session with Sweet Nibble ......
Here's to snacks and more snacks,
Jemma
"Dear Jemma,
I love my dalmatian, Fancy, but every time I come home from work the dishes from breakfast are still in the sink, dinner is not cooked, the laundry's not touched, and the place is a mess! Honestly, I don't think she does a thing all day but lie on the couch and watch 'Judge Judy'. I'm getting fed up with the grind--work all day and come home to more work in the evening. And then, it's nothing but beg, beg, beg: 'take me out,' 'why don't we ever go to the park anymore,' 'give me a treat.' I'm at the breaking point, here! Life is getting way too intense and complicated. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Nice Guy"
Dear Nice Guy,
Get over yourself, Nice Guy! We dogs are getting pretty tired of the attitude. What do all you nice guys (and girls) expect from us? You need a maid, not a companion! Now listen, it's simple: All we dogs ask for is a comfortable place to sleep (preferably the couch), free run of the house (and a yard), good food and plenty of it, and entertainment (walks, ball playing, and more ball playing). Oh, and snacks, snacks and more snacks. Yes. What could be simpler or nicer than that, Nice Guy!
Hmm. I think I could use a simple snack right now.My regards to Fancy--have a milk bone on me.
Cheers,
Jemma
Dear Jemma,
My problem is you-- you long-nose know-it-all who think you know everything! I am mad with you because you are not nice to cats! You watch the door, when I try to go outside you are there! You want to chase me! You want to catch me! I think you want to eat me! But you cannot catch me, I am too smart and too fast for you, you spotted know-it-all!
Cat's Rule! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
I not love you,
Penny
Dear Penny,
You smell like old fish. Why would I want to eat you?! Maybe we should discuss this over a bowl of nice, crunchy, CAT CHOW!
HA! While you were writing your stupid letter, I ate your dinner!
Your superior,
Jemma
Dear Jemma,
I have one, big, serious problem. It is with my stomach. I am always hungry. Every minute of every day, I want to EAT, EAT, EAT. I want to eat bones, steaks, apples, carrots, popcorn, bones, steaks, tomatoes, cookies, treats, bones, steaks, EVERYTHING, especially bones and steaks. I even like to eat dog food! What should I do?
A Fellow Dalmatian,
Tux
PS You are very cute.
Dear Tux,
I know you've probably heard it all a million times: "You just ate!" "You CAN'T be hungry again!" "What are you, a bottomless pit?!" I, Jemma, feel your pain, Tux. It took me a long time to realize that we do not have a problem, we have a GIFT. It is a great gift to enjoy eating food 24 hours a day, to relish every big, snapping, bite!
Tux, I want you to look into the mirror every morning and say, "Eat, Enjoy, Live, Tux, Live! It is OKAY to want food every minute of every day! I, Tux, have the gift of APPETITE!"
Will you promise me this, Tux? Now, let's both have a little snack to celebrate your inner healing.
Sincerely,
Jemma
Dear Jemma,
You are a BIG FAT LIAR! I did NOT bite you, and I am mad with you because you told Faith that I bit you, but I did NOT! I just touched you with my teeth, that is ALL!
Goodbye FOREVER from BURRITO
Dear Burrito,
I can just imagine what a noise you'd make if I ever "touched" YOU with MY teeth!
You just look out for MY TEETH!
Your VAST superior,
Jemma
PS Pah! It wouldn't be worth it -- I'd never get the taste of dusty old donkey out of my mouth. I'll NEVER be that hungry. I need a snack now, just to get the THOUGHT of it out of my mind.
Dear Jemma,
My owners have been running in fear every time they let me out to go
pooh. You see, I have not been able to shake it off . . . In other words, I have a poo-poo butt. I've been feeling rather stinky-boe-binky what should I do?love,
Penny aka pooh-pooh butt & Tiffy the tease
Dear Penny and Tiffy,
Something smells rotten in the state of ???, eh, girls? In the past, I had the occasional encounter with "stubborn remains," too, so I perfected a technique that never fails. It is such a unique move that I have patented, what I call, the "Squat-Wiggle." My new training video, revealing for the first time the secret of the "Squat-Wiggle," will soon be available for the startlingly low price of
29.95, plus shipping and handling. Girls, I do not want you to miss out on this limited time offer, so start saving up those milk bones, and in no time you, too, can learn the "Squat-Wiggle" and boast of a squeaky-clean, odor-free, butt.
love,
Jemma
PS. Offer void where prohibited.
The following letter was most recently received by Jemma:
Dear Jemma,
I am a very happy spoiled four-year old female dalmatian. I own
one house in the city which is fenced and has a nice warm waterbed which
I share with two cats and Sarah. I also go out to the country on weekends to
the house owned by Sarah's fiancee, Phil, who always has treats for me
and lets me chase his laser pointer light. I get a lot of attention and
affection.
The problem is Sarah is thinking about adding a dalmatian puppy to
our lives. How will I react to this newcomer and would it be better to
add a boy or a girl?unsigned
Dear Ms. Unsigned,
I read your letter and only had to look up one word in the dictionary: S-H-A-R-E. What a NASTY WORD!!! I, Jemma, do NOT SHARE! Not with CATS, and certainly not with an upstart, rude, infant PUP! S-H-A-R-E!!! Ha! The idea! Because, that's what you'll be doing, Ms. Unsigned. If Sarah and Phil get a puppy, you will be--you better sit down for this one--S-H-A-R-I-N-G EVERYTHING!!! Hugs, laser pointer light, walks, yard, bed, AND EVEN TREATS! I know that the truth hurts, but I, Jemma, the Advice Dalmatian, am compelled to tell you the TRUTH. It is for your own good. If you are even THINKING about S-H-A-R-I-N-G your nice home with a new puppy, you are in need of deep therapy to restore you to the true, healthy, Dalmatian Ego. My advice to you is that everytime you get the insane thought to S-H-A-R-E anything (notice that I cannot even bring myself to say the actual word, instead I must spell it) call 1-911-DALS-RULE to get instant counselling.
Sincerely,
Jemma
PS. 1-911-DALS-RULE is a toll call of
PPS. Do not call right now, because I am going to go have a snack.
If you have any comments or questions about this website, or would like to have your question regarding the meaning of life & love considered for comment and reply by Jemma on this website, please write to "From Jemma's Couch" at:
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