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Orrin Hatch

Now don't call him Oral. He won't like that. He's not that kind of guy.

His name is Orrin -- and yet he's running for President anyway. OK, so Orrin has just as much pizzazz as Lamar. Plus, he's a natty dresser, so he looks good.

Orrin's already making history. He's the first Presidential candidate of a major party to come out of Utah.

A Mormon church elder, he has six kids, over a dozen grandchildren -- but only one wife. They've been married for over 40 years, and he doesn't mind telling you that his kids were "all morally clean when they married. They didn't have relations with anyone." Okay, Orrin. You're the one running, not them.

He's been in the Senate since 1977 and now he's chairman of the judiciary committee. If he doesn't make it to the White House, he'll still have his Senate seat to fall back on. The Utah Legislature passed a law allowing him to run for both offices simultaneously.

For the most part, Orrin votes consistently along pro-family Republican lines. Sometimes he gets up on his high horse on an issue, then makes an ass of himself. Once he attacked the Democrats as "the party of homosexuals and abortion." Then, in 1999 he told Utah Republicans they should be proud that "we don't have the gays and lesbians with us."

Accused of being intolerant, he said it's not so. What he meant was that gays and lesbians were, for the most part, intelligent, highly educated folks who mainly support Democrats. Yeah, you certainly don't want any smart folks in your party. The pseudo-intellectual wing would feel threatened and have a hissy fit, and you'd never get Bill Bennett to calm down.

But sometimes Orrin will surprise you. In 1996, the National Organization for Women's Legal Defense and Education Fund honored him for his work on the 1994 Violence Against Women Act. And in 1998 he announced his support for Clinton's ambassadorial nominee James Hormel, the gay philanthropist. He has also come out in favor of hate-crime legislation to protect gays and more federal funds for AIDS education.

Sometimes you want to ring his neck, and other times you want to hug him.

So what's Orrin's strategy for winning the nomination? He's going to wait in the wings hoping Little George W. will slip up and bust his ass. It could happen, and when he does, Orrin will have his suits steam-pressed and raring to go.

And I'll bet he already has a campaign song ready. In 1998, he came out with a CD of inspirational music and love songs he wrote himself. But just in case he couldn't find his muse, I wrote him one. Here goes:

Orrin, Orrin

He may be borin'

But he ain't foreign

And he don't go whorin'.

I'm still working on the tune. Hip-hop OK with you?