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Dick Cheney

Earlier this year, George "Dubya" Bush recruited his Dad's old crony, Dick Cheney, to help him find a nice running mate. Well, after much hemming and hawing, Dubya said, hey there, Dick, you don't look so bad. How about you joining me? So there they are, Dubya and Dick.

At first, folks were raving about what a swell pick he made. Now even some Republicans are grumbling out loud that Dick wasn't such a hot idea after all.

They all thought his experience as Daddy Bush's Defense Secretary would wow the crowds. But then everybody heard how Dick used three student deferments to wimp out of military service during the Vietnam war. Suddenly, Dick didn't look like such a tough guy anymore. And what was his excuse? He "had better things to do." Oh, me, too, Dick. I had to tend to an upset stomach that year.

And then we learned about Dick's ten-year voting record in Congress. Well, there's some pretty wacko stuff there. So didn't Dubya bother to check it out? Apparently not. Hey, I know it's not as much fun as video golf, but, Dubya -- there are certain things you really need to read.

And Dick -- I know your home state of Wyoming is full of rednecks and kooks, but come on, man! How do you explain voting against the ban on cop killer bullets? Did a herd of buffalo come charging at you, wearing bullet-proof vests? Them must have been some smart critters.

So why did Dubya pick him? It's not because Wyoming has lots of electoral votes. It only has three. In fact, it's the smallest state in the union. Who knows? Maybe Dubya thought it was one of the bigger states because it looks big on a map.

You really want to know why he picked him? Because Dad thought it was a dandy idea. See, some say ol' Dad still can't believe folks really want to elect his son President. Jeb, maybe, because he's the smart one, but not Dubya. Hell, he and Barbara would have been pleased if Dubya had just found any career that didn't embarrass the family name. Well, it's too late now.

Anyway, Dad thought Dubya needed a running mate who could give him some adult supervision. He knew his son wasn't mature or smart enough to be President. He's nothing but a playful, likable chucklehead.

But Dick's not working out so well. Of course, we should have known that would happen. When picking a running mate, the last person you should ever consult is George Herbert Walker Bush. I mean, look at his track record. He picked Quayle -- twice.

Aside from his crummy voting record, Dick's also a lousy campaigner. He doesn't enjoy working the crowds. He's shy. He's used to being the quiet behind-the-scenes guy. And once you get a load of his wife, Lynne, you get the feeling that's the way he is at home, too. It's pretty obvious who wears the chaps and spurs in that family.

Lynne Cheney has a mouth on her, and she uses it. This former homecoming queen has substituted for Pat Buchanan on CNN's "Crossfire," and has written know-it-all books that would make Rush Limbaugh quiver. A fire-breathing opponent of political correctness and multiculturalism, she chaired the National Endowment for the Humanities during both the Reagan and Bush administrations. But when Bill Clinton became President, she campaigned to abolish the NEH.

Some say Lynne may need to wear a muzzle during the campaign to keep her from scaring folks away. Cokie Roberts learned the hard way not to get her riled. At the Republican Convention in Philadelphia, poor Cokie almost got her face torn off when she asked Lynne about her lesbian daughter. "Mary has never declared such a thing," she snapped. You sure about that, Lynne? Let's see: Mary's been out of the closet for almost 10 years, she and her lover own a $258,000 home in Colorado, and she worked for six years for Coors Brewing as a corporate liaison to the gay community. What else must she do to convince you? Have David Crosby's baby?

Like most Republicans, the Cheneys are a little sensitive about this gay business. They say they support their lesbian daughter, but you won't see them marching in a gay pride parade. Their Republican friends aren't quite as "tolerant" as they are -- like Jerry Falwell, who called Mary their "errant but loved family member."

And look what happened at the convention in Philly (ironically, the City of Brotherly Love). As a novelty act, Jim Kolbe of Arizona, the only openly gay Republican in Congress, addressed the Convention. He didn't make a big deal about being gay, but everybody knew. So what did a few nutty Texas delegates do? They stood up, turned their backsides toward Kolbe, and prayed. Oh, God, please turn him into a hetero! They just couldn't stand it. But the guy wasn't talking about gay rights. The topic was free trade. Not rough trade -- free trade.

Since the convention, things haven't gone so well for Dubya and Dick. Their poll numbers have sank, and the election no longer looks like a sure thing. Al Gore's stock has risen, and Dubya's looking more and more like a major league disappointment. Big time.

So what's Dick going to do now? What can he do? Keep an eye on Poppy's boy, try not to have a coronary, and start working on the resume.

And Dubya: it's like I've been telling you all along -- you don't know Dick!