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Lamar Alexander

He was on Sanford & Son, right? No, that was Lamont.

After falling short in the presidential primaries in 1996, this former Tennessee Governor (and Bush's Education Secretary) decided to give it another shot in the 2000 race. But Lamar just couldn't pull it off. Making no traction, and with no money coming in, he became one of the first candidates to pull out in 1999.

His second run was even more disastrous that the first. At least the first time around he came in third in the early contests in Iowa and New Hampshire.

So what's his problem? Nobody knows who he is. He stopped wearing his plaid shirts. In 1996, all folks could talk about were those snazzy shirts and how his supporters were wearing them, too. I'll bet Pat Buchanan wished he'd made a fashion statement with brown shirts.

So why'd he give them up? Didn't the chicks dig them? Or did the guys keep hitting on him at the Log Cabin Federation meetings?

Poor Lamar. He's was out there busting his tail and nobody noticed him. It seemed like all the other candidates had something about them that made them stick out. McCain's a war hero, Dole's a lady, Bush is a son of a . . . President, Keyes is the black guy, and Quayle's the dumb guy everybody likes to pick on. Bauer looks like an elf, Hatch is the Mormon, Forbes is the rich geek, and Buchanan's the scary neo-Fascist.

So what's Lamar's hook? The guy with the funny name? That won't get you very far. Remember Dukakis?

Maybe Lamar needed a new fashion statement, like some cool Hawaiian shirts. And shorts! You got nice legs, Lamar? Nobody has ever campaigned in shorts. That'll get you some press.