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Bob Smith

No, not Bob Smith the standup comedian -- the guy who wrote Openly Bob, a funny book about growing up gay. No, this Bob Smith isn't usually that funny. Well, he's funny sometimes, but not usually when he thinks he is.

No, this Bob's the senior Senator from New Hampshire, and he WAS running for President. He had as much business running as -- well, the other candidates are pretty lame, too, so never mind.

But he wasn't a favorite son type of candidate. Oh, no. Most New Hampshirites had wished he had stayed out of it. After all, the Granite State's got a good thing going, having the nation's first primary. With all the candidates and the media coming in to spend all that dough, it's one of their best industries. But if Bob was to win the primary, it wouldn't mean much. And folks would say, "thanks a lot, Bob, for messing it up."

But Bob had as much chance of winning a primary as Pat Buchanan taking home the Nobel Peace Prize. He almost didn't make it back to the Senate in 1996. But then in July 1999, Bob gave New Hampshirites something to cheer about. He pulled out of the primaries. But not because he realized he would lose. He was completely clueless in that respect. No, he was upset with the GOP because of their soft-pedaling on abortion and gay rights. So rather than quit the race, he announced that he would leave the GOP, becoming the first Republican Senator to do so since 1952.

So Bob decided to either go independent or seek another party's nomination. He even considered Ross Perot's Reform Party. Bob and Ross would make a good match. I'll bet Ross would love Bob's radical idea to create a fifth military branch, the Space Force. You can never be too sure about those damned Martians.

Then, three months later, Bob dropped out of the race altogether. And guess what? He's back to being a Republican again. When Rhode Island Senator John Chafee died in October 1999, he left open the chairmanship of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee. Bob would have been next in line for the job had he remained a Republican.

So he asked his old Republican pals if they'd let him back in, and they said, "sure, Bob." So now he's back as the new chairman. And everybody's happy, right? Well, unless you've got something against air pollution, water pollution, toxic chemicals, junk like that. Bob looks after his corporate friends.

Big Bob's six-foot-six and weighs 260, so don't talk to him about easing up on the party's anti-abortion stance. To dramatize his opposition to partial-birth abortion, he once made a presentation on the Senate floor using scissors and a plastic doll baby.

Bob's not exactly on the same wavelength with most Americans. He ridiculed the American public for supporting Clinton during the impeachment proceedings. Quoting his wife, he said "they must be polling people coming out of Hooters on Saturday night."

Hey, Bob just told a funny one. Maybe he could write a humorous book about running for President. No, I got a better idea. He should get somebody else to write a funny book about Bob running for President. It would be a scream!