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George W. Bush

No, not the whiny old guy who used to be President. This is his son, Little George, who's been Governor of Texas since 1995. They call him "Dubya," or "Duh" for short.

We've been hearing a lot about him lately. Lots of folks think he's going to be our next President. He's got a slew of Republicans on his bandwagon already and more campaign money than everybody else put together.

But back during Clinton's impeachment mess, ol' Dubya was having second thoughts about running. He's not anxious to put his family through public scrutiny. Nobody likes hanging out their dirty stained linens for the whole world to see.

So far, Dubya has owned up to "youthful indiscretions," but he won't say what it was he did. He has admitted to a past drinking problem, but drug use? He ain't saying. "I'm not going to talk about what I did as a child . . . It is irrelevant what I did 20 to 30 years ago." He also said he didn't want to "send signals to anybody that what Governor Bush did 30 years ago is cool to try."

Or was it seven years? Or fifteen? Whatever. He's not gonna play "gotcha" because he's not too sure when it might have happened. That is, if anything happened at all. Man! Sounds like Dubya got a hold of some kickass stuff.

He has even advised parents to lie to their kids about their past pot-smoking days. But does this work? I don't think so. Kids are pretty smart these days. I think they're onto us, Dubya.

To cover himself, he hired a private detective to find out anything embarrassing he might have done that he was too plastered to remember.

And a few stories are out there. One has it that as a young man he danced naked on top of a bar. OK, we've all done that, right? A guy's got to make a living. So he needed the money, and he couldn't get his hands on Dad's Rolodex.

Aides to rival campaigns have claimed that Dubya snorted coke while his dad was taking the presidential oath in 1989. Whoa! Another youthful indiscretion? No, wait, how old was he then? Forty-two?

Dubya insists he won't answer any personal questions, although he did feel obliged to say he's been faithful to his wife. Whew! I'm glad he cleared that up, because I've been worried sick about it.

So, President Dubya -- think the public will go for it? I don't know. We kicked his wussy daddy out. Would Little George be any better? Is he as smart as Dan Quayle? Maybe, maybe not.

After endless talk about Bill Clinton's penis, do we really want a guy named Bush?

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Update - 8/29/00

What a convention those Republicans had in Philly! I wonder how much dough they had to pay all those black folks to get on stage and pretend they're Republicans. I wonder why they didn't invite Ike Turner.

Meanwhile, Dubya and his lovely wife, Laura, were upstairs in their hotel suite watching the official state-by-state tallying of the delegate votes. And did you notice what happened? Not many press folks caught it, but the good folks at Comedy Central's The Daily Show did. As Dubya was declared the nominee, he turned in his chair to kiss his wife -- and then boasted a raging hard-on! I mean, on camera, sticking straight up from his lap, like a pup tent.

Message to voters: his wife makes him horny, so no girlfriends. The family values crowd ought to dig that.

Of course, maybe it just proves what Henry Kissinger said: that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Hearing thousands of folks chanting and panting my name for four days straight would make me stand tall. I wouldn't need any Viagra then.