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Newt Gingrich

Been wondering what Newt's up to these days? One day he's on top of the world, and now we hardly hear from him. Not that I miss him that much.

It happened so suddenly. Folks thought the Democrats would suffer big losses in the 1998 congressional elections because of the Monica mess. But apparently the voters found Newt and company nastier than a semen-stained dress, so they kicked a few Republican butts.

It's not that the Democrats won a lot of seats, but they were expected to suffer huge losses. Anyway, Newt got blamed for it, so after 20 years in Congress and four years as Speaker, he called it quits and left the House.

Attacking Clinton for infidelity backfired on the Republicans. Some of them had scandalous affairs, too, and Newt was one of them.

He was first married to Jackie, his high school geometry teacher. In 1980, he divorced her. Six months later, he married his current wife, Marianne.

His timing couldn't have been lousier. Right after her surgery for uterine cancer, he visited Jackie's hospital room to discuss their divorce. Nice touch, Newt.

Then Jackie had to chase him down for child support -- while he was in Congress. What was that he said in his book, To Renew America -- that any man who doesn't support his kids is a bum?

In 1999, Newt announced he was divorcing Marianne. No big surprise there. She once called their marriage "on and off," and in 1995, she said she wouldn't stand by him if he decided to run for President. In fact, she'd go on TV the next day and sabotage the whole thing. She doesn't think he's cut out for the White House. Hey, she knew her man. She's no Tammy Wynette.

Now we've learned that ol' Newt has been having an affair with 33-year-old Congressional aide Callista Bisek since 1993. And Marianne and her lawyers would love to know the details. She has subpoenaed Callista's letters, gifts, phone records and bank statements. And her lawyers have demanded that Newt answer in writing if his private behavior was consistent with the "family values" he advocated in public. Are they kidding? That Newt's a real horndog.

And there have been others over the years. One former campaign staffer said Newt would have been elected to Congress in 1974 if they could have kept him from "doing it" in the office on top of his desk.

And in a 1995 Vanity Fair article, a former campaign volunteer said she and Newt had a fling when she worked for his failed 1976 House campaign. (He finally got elected in 1978.) The following year he took her to dinner, then to her hotel room where they had oral sex. She said he preferred oral so he could say he never slept with her. Hmmm. . . now where have I heard that before?

Newt comes from a colorful family. It was his mother who blabbed to Connie Chung that he had called Hillary "a bitch." And his younger lesbian half-sister, Candace, made headlines with a 1995 book that criticized him for not condemning the Religious Right's anti-gay rhetoric. The next year, she was on NBC's Friends, presiding at a lesbian wedding.

Newt was known throughout his career for making provocative, inane remarks that got him in trouble. Once he said a woman in the military shouldn't be put in a foxhole because she might have her period, get cranky and shoot somebody.

You surely know how to sweet-talk women, Newt. I can't imagine why your party isn't nailing the female vote.

Poor Newt. Almost nobody wants him now. In late 1999, the Republican Class of 1994, which helped sweep Newt to power (and vice versa), made plans to celebrate the fifth anniversary of their takeover.

Did they invite Newt to the reunion? The vote was nearly unanimous. Not a chance.

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Newt and Callista finally tied the knot in the summer of 2000, and I haven't picked out a wedding present yet. I was thinking about bed linens. Do you think Laura Ashley makes sheets to fit a desktop?