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Tom DeLay

This little Texan runt's the House Majority Whip, the number three position (right behind Speaker and Majority Leader), but everybody knows Tommy's the one who calls the shots. After all, he practically handpicked Denny Hastert for the Speaker's job. He knows how to pull a few strings.

How did he get so much power? Most House staffers say he's the "meanest man in the House."

So why is he so mean? Is he ornery because he sits short in the saddle? Who knows! Before he got into politics, he killed bugs and rats. He was an exterminator, so maybe he accidentally snorted some chemicals, like that guy in Naked Lunch who got high on bug spray, pretended he was William Tell and killed his wife. I'm just saying you got to watch what you snort. Isn't that right, Dubya?

Tommy also used to sell Amway products. I hope the kids aren't snorting that crap. So what's the story on the Procter & Gamble logo being a Satanist symbol? You been helping Amway spread that nonsense on the Internet, Tommy? Y'all cut that out, now.

Nicknamed "The Hammer," he led the movement to impeach President Clinton -- and he has a long list of judges he also wants to boot out.

Like most Texas Republicans, Tommy strongly supports the gun lobby. In 1999, after the Columbine High School massacre in Littleton, Colorado, he rounded up votes to keep Congress from passing any substantive legislation to keep kids away from guns. Instead, he pushed through a bill to require that the Ten Commandments be posted in all school classrooms.

And he insisted that the rash of school shootings had nothing to do with the availability of guns. No, he said, it happened because folks put their kids in daycare centers. Now that sounds like the bug spray talking again.

Tommy's been in Congress for nearly 16 years, and he's been Majority Whip ever since the Republicans took over the House in 1995. Folks say he gets things done because he's an aggressive arm-twister.

But what about tittie-twisters? Hey, those would persuade me. And does Mr. Whip actually use a whip? Well, he's got one. I'll bet a few lashes from Tommy keep folks in line.