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Paula Jones

What really went on in that Little Rock hotel room back in 1991? We know President Clinton can get frisky, but what about Paula? Was she really what her adviser, Susan Carpenter-McMillan, said she was -- a "modern-day Joan of Arc?"

Not according to her sister Charlotte, who claimed Paula was a fortune hunter who was thrilled by Clinton's alleged come-ons. And Charlotte's husband said he would have propositioned her himself if he hadn't been already married. He said she dressed so provocatively that sometimes you could see the crease of her ass. Also, an ex-boyfriend took half-naked photos of her and sold them to Penthouse.

Now her case against Clinton has been settled out of court, and she's $200,000 richer. And she's left Californy and moved back to the Arkansas hills -- just like the Clampetts on The Beverly Hillbillies. Apparently she couldn't get used to those cement ponds, either.

But hubby Steve stayed behind to pursue an acting career. He and Paula have separated. He says they argued over how to spend her prize money, and he's not too thrilled with her latest venture: doing commercials for a psychic hotline. Aw, why not, Steve? She could be the next LaToya Jackson. And maybe that would lead to her own show, like Jessica Hahn's Love Line. And then she'd be a regular guest on Howard Stern's show. Of course, she'd have to show Howard her boobies.

So is Paula Jones a modern-day Joan of Arc? Or the lead role in a Joan Van Ark made-for-TV movie? Actually, I'd cast Susan Lucci, or maybe Linda Lovelace if she's not busy.

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Update - 10/9/00

We all made fun of her, saying she wasn't pretty. Well, I guess she's having the last laugh on us. Guess who's going to be the next Penthouse Pooch? I mean, Pet.

That's right, Paula's going to treat us to a little hootchy-kootchy dance, a striptease. She's getting buck-naked, full-frontal, and letting it all hang out. That ought to make some beaver-loving truck drivers very happy. But gal pal Susie isn't too thrilled. I guess that screws up her Joan of Arc analogy.

But if you think Susie's upset, imagine how her anti-Clinton machine benefactors are going to feel. She's not just strutting her stuff. She's blabbing on the whole right-wing conspiracy in a story called "Paula Jones Uncovered! She shows all, she tells all: How the Far Right used and abused her to destroy Clinton."

Hey, I think I'm getting a woody now.