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William Bennett

Ronald Reagan made him Education Secretary, and George Bush made him Drug Czar, but name one thing he has accomplished beside beefing up his resume. All Bill ever did was run his mouth -- just like he does now.

Bush wanted to put him in charge of the Republican National Committee, but he turned it down because it didn't pay enough.

So naturally that led him to the position he holds now -- the lavishly paid, self-appointed moral conscience of America. And he's got the books to back him up. His name appears on titles like The Book of Virtues, Moral Compass: Stories for a Life's Journey, and The Death of Outrage. Sounds like a know-it-all, huh?

He has never run for public office, although some folks have talked him up as presidential timber. But Bill wouldn't make a good campaigner. He seems uncomfortable mingling with regular folks, and he's not willing to drop a few pounds. He could stand to lose at least a hundred.

That's odd. In his Book of Virtues, he advocated self-discipline and perseverance. So what does this guy eat? He must have a glandular condition. And what about his cigarette habit? I don't know if Bill's still smoking, but it hurt his credibility when he was drug czar. Some role model he was. Bet the kids really listened to him.

Now the pontificating old poop crusades around the country giving speeches on the evils of rap music, drugs, sex and liberal values. He gets paid big bucks for it. It beats the hell out of doing actual work.

Most folks, and some Republicans, had wished that Bill had kept his trap shut during the Monica Mess. He badmouthed not only Clinton, but the American public as well. He said all Americans who supported the President were accomplices. I wonder what he calls his brother Bob, Clinton's attorney in the Paula Jones case.

Presidential candidates, beware! Bill has promised to raise, and keep alive, any questions about the candidates' private lives. "If adultery is part of your baggage, forget it," he said.

Hey, Bill, does your Book of Virtues have a chapter on humility? You need to work on that. You're a little too full of yourself.