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Jesse Helms

Jesse doesn't cotton to gay folks. In fact, gay-bashing was the centerpiece of his last two reelection campaigns.

But what's an old segregationist to do? A redneck's got to have somebody to put down to make himself feel good. And it's not cool to call black folks "jungle bunnies," not even in front of white folks now.

But that didn't stop him from tormenting Carol Moseley-Braun, the Senate's first African-American woman. While riding together on the elevator, Jesse started humming "Dixie." I guess he doesn't listen to the radio to hear any new songs.

Jesse just can't let go of his bigoted past. This is a guy who once called the 1964 Civil Rights Act the most dangerous legislation ever introduced in Congress. In the 1980s, he attacked the bill creating the Martin Luther King holiday, calling King "that pervert."

He thinks attacking gays is still OK. In the 1980s, he tried to block funding for AIDS research to punish them for their "revolting conduct."

He also tried to eliminate the National Endowment for the Arts for helping fund Robert Mapplethorpe's gay sadomasochistic photos and Andres Serrano's Piss Christ, a picture of a crucifix in urine. Okay, so it's not my cup of pee, either.

In a tough reelection campaign in 1990, he attacked his Democratic opponent for receiving millions of bucks from gay activists nationwide. But apparently taking money from cave-dwelling survivalists with tanks and Uzis is not so bad.

Jesse has represented North Carolina (or, at least, parts of it) since 1973. He's now chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, which is a scary thought. I mean, we're letting him talk to foreigners.

Should he run for reelection in 2002, I wonder if Jesse will rehire Arthur Finkelstein, the campaign consultant who helped put together his gay-bashing ads. In 1996, Arthur was outed for having a live-in boyfriend.

Let's hear you hum some show tunes, Jesse.