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Phil Gramm

Whoa! He's an ugly one, all right. You don't believe it? Ask him.

That's what Senator Phil Gramm said after he got swell-headed and ran for the White House in 1996.

You'd think a guy so aware of his own grotesqueness would hesitate about seeking the spotlight. (And you should hear his voice!) But Phil couldn't help himself. He had to run. He's from Texas, where everything's bigger -- especially the egos.

Of course, he had no trouble rounding up campaign funds. Having been chief fund-raiser for Senate Republicans, and with easy access to Texas oil money, Phil pulled in plenty of dough.

But the money just wasn't enough. Phil's problem was himself. Besides his physical shortcomings, he was abrasive, his commercials and stump speeches came off angry and pessimistic, and he had a real knack for pissing off people.

So folks decided they couldn't take listening to a pushy, cranky loud-mouth for four whole years. They probably thought, "hmpph! I already get that at home." So they snubbed him.

Despite a hefty war chest, Phil threw his money away foolishly. He poured $20 million down the drain on silly straw polls and ended up with only seven delegate votes. That's about $2.8 million per delegate. After losing to Pat Buchanan in the Louisiana caucuses, his chances looked so bleak that he pulled out early, not even hanging around for the New Hampshire primary.

But don't think this Senate Banking Committee chairman doesn't know how to have a good time. One embarrassing episode from his past cropped up during the 1996 campaign. Back in the 1970s, before his political career took off, Phil invested $7,500 into the making of a soft-porn flick.

That didn't sit well with the Religious Right. (Of course, very little sits well with that crowd. Maybe they've got hemorrhoids.)

But hey, give Phil a break. It was soft porn, and at least Phil's ugly ass wasn't in it. So how was the movie, Phil? How many stars did Clarence Thomas give it?