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Dan Burton

As chairman of the House Government Reform and Oversight Committee, this nine-term Indiana Congressman was responsible for investigating financial irregularities in the Clinton White House. Some Republicans, however, wanted to replace Dan because they knew he'd get out of control.

He is obsessed with Vince Foster's death. Despite five investigations concluding it was a suicide (including one by Ken Starr), Dan remains unconvinced. He can't let go of his suspicion that Foster was killed elsewhere and then moved to the Virginia park where his body was found.

In 1994, he told the House that he and a homicide detective re-enacted the Foster shooting with a .38-caliber gun and a pumpkin (substituting for Foster's head). Oh, very scientific, Dan.

Many see him as a nut who pursues lost causes. During the 1980s, he opposed sanctions against the apartheid government in South Africa and pushed for universal mandatory AIDS testing.

He's terrified of AIDS. He's afraid he'll catch the virus himself, and that the whole country will get it. He even stopped using the House gym after Barney Frank came out of the closet.

He's so spooked about it that he won't eat soup in restaurants because he's afraid the virus may be swimming around with the split peas and the won tons. Dan, if this story gets around, you may find a lot of things in your food: saliva, urine, pus, snot boogers. Maybe you'd better start taking a lunchbox to work.

But, he says he's not homophobic. Of course not. Why would we think that?

He tried to make an issue of Clinton's campaign fund-raising, but he was in no position to point fingers. He got in trouble for trying to shake down a Pakistani lobbyist for money in the 1996 election.

Another time he tried to get India's foreign aid reduced to punish its government for mistreating Sikhs. Naturally, Sikhs contributed generously to his campaign.

He even had to return campaign contributions from a lobbyist for then-Zaire dictator Mobutu Sese Seko. Now what was that all about? Was he promised his own snazzy leopard-skin hat just like Mobutu's?

After he called the President a "scumbag" because of the Monica affair, Dan came out looking like a hypocrite again. A champion of family values, Dan admitted to an extramarital affair he had back in the 1980s. He fathered a child out of wedlock and has since paid child support.