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John Schmitz

Although he once ran for President, you've probably never heard of this guy.

But surely you've heard of his famous daughter, Mary Kay LeTourneau. She's the Washington state schoolteacher in prison for having an affair with a 13-year-old pupil.

Now why couldn't I have had a teacher like that? All I had were lesbians and dowdy old maids.

But poor Mary Kay will have to serve at least five years, which ends in 2003. She had pleaded guilty to child rape and got leniency on the condition she stay away from the boy. But she got caught with him again, so the State of Washington reinstated her sentence and locked her up.

So far she has given birth to two of his children. The boy told police Mary Kay wanted to get pregnant to keep them together. Now he's 16 and promoting a book they wrote together on their affair.

Mary Kay's poor husband filed for divorce and moved to Alaska with their four kids. Maybe they found a small Eskimo village that hadn't heard of her.

Now back to Papa John. A right-wing Republican from Orange County, California, John Schmitz served one term in Congress (1970-72) before switching parties in 1972 to run for President on the American Independent Party ticket. (That was George Wallace's party in 1968.) Nixon just wasn't conservative enough to get John fired up. Hey, we're talking about a guy who got kicked out of the John Birch Society.

Trying to get his political career going again, he was elected to the California State Senate in 1978. But in 1981, he had his committee chair taken away from him after he issued a press release attacking Jews, feminists and gays. He also called attorney Gloria Allred a "slick, butch lawyeress." She sued him and won $20,000.

He was finally forced out of politics when word got out in 1982 that John had fathered two children out of wedlock during a long-term affair with a college student he once taught. Like father, like daughter.

John and the children's mother later had to explain in court why their 2-year-old's penis was almost severed. Funny, I never heard of Gentiles having a bris. Apparently they're not very good at it.