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Gary Bauer

Who's the shrimp? Aw, come on! At five foot three, he doesn't look like a Presidential candidate. President of the chess club, maybe.

Poor Gary. He looks like he needs a blood transfusion.

A former domestic policy adviser in the Reagan White House, he recently headed the Washington-based Family Research Council (FRC).

But don't let his looks fool you. He may look like a wuss, but he's had a huge impact on the political process. The FRC has gobs of cash to promote its pro-family agenda. And he's got quite a network of support out there.

His political action committee, Campaign for Working Families (CWF), has raised thousands for pro-life, Religious Right candidates. In a 1998 California House race, the CWF plopped down $100,000 on a pro-life candidate who knocked out a guy Newt Gingrich recruited in the Republican primary. But Gary's candidate was too extreme, so the seat went to a Democrat.

Gary insists the Religious Right's agenda isn't extreme at all -- that they have the same goals we had during the Eisenhower administration. You mean like separating the races and keeping your wife barefoot and pregnant? Think about what you're saying, Gary. Ask yourself: what decade are we living in now?

In 1998, the FRC joined the Christian Coalition in taking out full-page newspaper ads, declaring that people are not born gay but got that way by choice. Oh, yeah? Like Barney Frank said, "the notion that people voluntarily choose this is just nuts."

Gary's the last guy in the world you'd expect to get caught up in a sex scandal, but it happened -- sort of. A former staffer who defected to the Forbes campaign accused Gary of carrying on an affair with a female staffer. So Gary denied the charges at a press conference, which turned out to be the best-attended media event of his campaign.

Of course, we never really believed Gary could have an affair because we didn't figure he liked sex that much. Besides, the rumor came from the Forbes campaign, and everybody knows Forbes is a weasel. But just to keep on the safe side, Gary had a see-through glass door installed in his office.

Isn't that sad? Now he can't even scratch his ass in the privacy of his own office.

Here's a little campaign advice, Gary: don't stand too close to Liddy Dole. With her Red Cross connections, and you looking so anemic, folks might think you're running a blood drive. That'll scare folks away.