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Rudolph Giuliani

The much-anticipated Senate race between First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is going to be a doozy. Expect to see fireworks. Not real ones, though. Rudy will throw you in jail for that.

He's an ornery fellow. Aggressive, testy, thin-skinned, ruthless -- he's constantly fighting with the Governor, the City Council, and anybody else who gets in his way.

He used to get along with former Mayor Ed Koch. Not anymore. Koch has a new book out now: Giuliani: Nasty Man.

Forget what Newt Gingrich's mom said about Hillary. Rudy's the bitch in this Senate race. But one issue will backfire on him if he dares to bring it up (which he says he won't): Hillary's marriage.

His own marriage, to second wife Donna Hanover, has been subject to much speculation. According to a 1997 Vanity Fair article, Rudy was having an affair with his communications director, Cristyne Lategano. He denied this, but folks have said his wife has refused to be in the same room with the alleged girlfriend.

Rudy and Donna are rarely seen together anymore. During his 1997 reelection, she refused to campaign for him, stayed home while he celebrated on election night, and wouldn't even say who she voted for. And she has dropped Giuliani from her name, doesn't talk about him in interviews, and bristles when asked about him.

Donna now puts her energy into her career (and their two children). She has anchored a newscast for a New York TV station, hosted a show for the Food Network, and played evangelist Ruth Carter Stapleton (Jimmy Carter's sister), in the 1996 film The People vs. Larry Flynt. And in late spring 2000 she'll be appearing in the controversial off-Broadway play, The Vagina Monologues. I'm sure he doesn't want to miss that.

Meanwhile, Rudy has been on a rampage. During his second term, he has attacked hot dog vendors, cab drivers, artists, jaywalkers, gardeners, the homeless, peaceful demonstrators, and the Brooklyn Museum. He's been called a control freak, a totalitarian, a dictator, a hothead, and a megalomaniac.

He's been known to overreact to situations. During an AIDS demonstration, he had the police department put snipers above the crowd from atop City Hall.

And he tried to shut down topless clubs. Whoa! What would Times Square be without that? He even urged folks to photograph patrons entering the clubs, and then send the pictures to local newspapers.

In 1998, Rudy was trying to get the city cleaned up so the Republicans would bring their 2000 National Convention to New York. It didn't work. The GOP decided they'd rather be in Philadelphia. Maybe they didn't want Rudy hogging the show. Or maybe shutting down topless joints wasn't such a swell idea. After all, how would Strom Thurmond entertain himself? Strom loves the hootchy-kootchy girls.

Or maybe the Republicans were afraid New York's drag queens would descend on the convention, and some poor unsuspecting Okie might not know to check for Adam's apples. Or maybe they were afraid Rudy himself would put on drag, which he has been known to do on occasion. And, believe me, he does not make a pretty woman. He makes Milton Berle look. . . almost doable.

So what happened to Rudy's first marriage? He had that annulled -- on the grounds that his wife was his second cousin.

Rudy claims he was confused when he married her. He thought she was his third cousin. Now how can he be married to a woman and not know exactly how he's related to her? Couldn't he stop screwing her long enough to figure that out?

Maybe he should mention this in his campaign commercials. Throw in some banjo music and he might win the hillbilly vote.

UPDATE -- October 24, 2000

It hasn't been one of Rudy's better years. A lot has happened.

First, in the middle of his Senate campaign, he announces that he has prostate cancer. Ain't that a pisser? So his sweet wife, Donna, calls off her plans to do "The Vagina Monologues" so she can be more supportive to her husband. Then, to show her how much he appreciates it, he blindsides her at a news conference by telling the whole world he's dropping her for his "very good friend", Judi. And how does poor Donna find out? When a friend calls her and says, "hey, your husband's on TV saying he's dumping you." Well, she showed him! She called her own press conference to say what a rat he was and how he had been running around with Crystyne Lategano. You know: the one he denied having an affair with.

Two days later, Donna and the kids headed to her parents' house in California for Mother's Day. Meanwhile, Rudy and Judi sashayed around town in full public view like they were leading the Easter Parade.

This scandalous episode gave state Republicans conniptions. How could they make hay of Hillary's marital troubles now? How can Rudy run with this mess going on? Should he run?

Well, he's not running. But according to him, it's not because of his infidelities. It's his prostate cancer. Of course, his poll numbers weren't looking too swift, either. Every week, he'd get pissed off about something new and start calling folks evil and stupid. He's his own worst enemy.

By the way, Donna has made it clear that he can cavort around town with his girlfriend all he wants, but she and the kids are staying put at Gracie Mansion until the end of his term. That's sticking it to him, Donna!

Then a book comes along revealing that the mayor's own father had spent over a year at Sing Sing for armed robbery. Plus, it said, his dad couldn't hold a steady job, but he worked as an enforcer for his brother's loan shark operation. And one of Rudy's cousins was mob-connected and was shot to death by federal agents. Another cousin was a junkie. Nice family, huh?

Do I sound like I'm piling on? Kicking a man when he's down? Well, why not? Rudy would.