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Pat Buchanan

Pat's running for President again -- for the third time. But what are his chances of winning? Not too good. Like Pat says, the country's not as white as it used to be.

Even the white folks aren't white enough for him. And now that South Africa has done away with apartheid, where's a scared white boy supposed to go?

Pat has been known to shake things up. In 1992, he gave George Bush a scare in the New Hampshire primary. Then he spooked the be-Jesus out of us by calling for a cultural war at the 1992 National Republican Convention. And to think Bush didn't have enough problems already.

In 1996 he shocked the nation by actually winning the New Hampshire primary over frontrunner Bob Dole. Of course, Pat ran out of money and hot air, so he didn't get very far.

But this time around we may hear Pat's ranting all the way till Election Day. Frustrated with his Party's efforts to tone down its fiery rhetoric on abortion and gay rights, and with his campaign in the ditch, Pat abandoned his lifetime commitment to the GOP and announced that he would seek the Reform Party nomination.

And he may actually win it. His most likely opponent: billionaire Donald Trump, who's under the delusion that people like him and not just his money.

In a party led by Ross Perot and Jesse "The Body" Ventura, things are bound to get bizarre -- and they already have. Soon after his new campaign began, Pat was endorsed by Lenora Fulani, a controversial left-wing radical African-American who disagrees with him on almost every issue. Lenora was the New Alliance Party presidential candidate in 1992 and has been a supporter of Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan.

Now she promises to bring blacks, Latinos, gays and liberals into the Buchanan Brigade. "We're going to integrate that peasant army of his," she said. She also said she'll take Pat to Harlem to meet with the Reverend Al Sharpton's National Action Network.

It's hard to believe this is happening when you consider Pat's history. In the late Sixties and early Seventies, he worked for Richard Nixon in the White House press office. While there, he urged Nixon to resist court-ordered school integration.

Growing up in Washington, D.C., Pat came to believe in the greatness and glory of the Old Confederacy. He also believed in segregating the races. He didn't care for black folks. As a kid, he once pelted a busload of black cleaning ladies with snowballs.

And he didn't mind letting loose with the N-word. In a White House memo, he described a guy as a "house nigger."

He left the White House when Jerry Ford took over because Jerry wouldn't make him U.S. Ambassador to South Africa. What, with Pat's diplomatic skills? What was Jerry thinking?

Nor has he ever cared much for Jews, whom he accuses of exaggerating the Holocaust. He even once rallied to the defense of a former Nazi death camp guard. What a champ.

But when it became known that his 1996 campaign co-chair, Larry Pratt, was connected to Aryan Nations, Christian Identity and the KKK, Pat said he was absolutely clueless.

Yeah, you've got to watch out for those bigots, Pat. They will charm the pants off of you.

And don't get him started on gays. He called AIDS God's wrath against homosexuals. "Divine retribution," he said. He's pissed off at feminists, too, not to mention Hispanic and Asian immigrants, who he says are diluting the American culture.

When you narrow it down to who Pat does like, I think you're left mostly with cranky white guys in polyester suits and bolo ties.

Pat was greatly influenced by his authoritarian father, whose heroes were Senator Joseph McCarthy and Spanish dictator Francisco Franco. His dad liked them because they opposed godless Communism. It must have been a fun household.

The Buchanan clan believed in enforcing a strict moral code. As a teenager, Pat helped his brother Hank set a shop on fire for selling "dirty" magazines. Arsonists for Christ, huh? I don't think I've heard of them.

Pat is a devout Catholic, but he and his Stepford wife, Shelley, have never had children. Can you imagine having Pat for a dad? The poor kid would be so spooked, so traumatized, that he'd need electroshock therapy before he finished kindergarten.

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UPDATE - 9/5/00

If you've been hoping someone would kill off Ross Perot's Reform Party, you may be in luck. The party has divided into two starkly disparate factions: Pat's redneck loser brigade and John Hagelin's flighty Natural Law Party converts. Both candidates have declared themselves the party nominee, and both are trying to claim $12.6 million in federal campaign funds.

And did you get a load of Pat's running mate, Ezola Foster? She's black. Has Pat stopped whistling "Dixie" and started singing "We Shall Overcome?" Not at all. He has somehow managed to find a black woman with an affinity for rednecks. She's an L.A. typing teacher (so you know she's qualified!) who supports the Confederate Flag and the John Birch Society. Is she crazy? Maybe so. Four years ago, she filed for worker's compensation, claiming disability for a mental health condition she now refuses to discuss.

And we thought Ross Perot was a nut case.