George W. Bush Charlton Heston Rudolph Giuliani John McCain Alan Keyes Pat Buchanan Ronald Reagan George Bush Dan Quayle Richard Nixon Bob Dole Elizabeth Dole Jerry Falwell Pat Robertson Sun Myung Moon Jesse Helms Strom Thur

Robert Bork

Ronald Reagan tried to put this guy on the Supreme Court, but the Democratic-controlled Senate voted him down. That was way back in 1987, and yet many Republicans still haven't gotten over it. So now, whenever Republicans think they've been screwed over, they call it "getting Borked."

Bob had lots of legal experience. He had been a federal judge, and as solicitor general he represented the U.S. Government before the Supreme Court. Many folks remember him as the guy who fired Watergate Special Prosecutor Archibald Cox when Cox demanded that Nixon give up his secret tapes.

Bob was revered by conservatives as a brilliant jurist -- but he scared the hell out of everybody else, who saw the old windbag as all brains and no heart.

The old goat looked downright sinister -- like a villain in a Batman sequel. He's the kind of guy you wouldn't invite to your house because he'd scare your kids and drive your dogs into a barking frenzy.

And his ideas were terrifying -- especially on privacy rights. As a law professor, he attacked a 1965 Supreme Court decision that struck down a Connecticut law barring married couples from using contraceptives.

The Court said the law violated a constitutional right to privacy. Bob said no such right existed. So when his nomination came up, folks fretted that Bob would let the police barge into their bedrooms and have them arrested if they were trying sexual positions the state hadn't pre-approved.

Hey, maybe Bob doesn't like rubbers. I prefer al fresco myself, but sometimes the lady demands it, so what are you gonna do, Bob?

Since his defeat, he's been an old sourpuss and blames everybody but himself. Even a few Republicans wish he'd shut the hell up.

But he won't. In 1996 he published Slouching Toward Gomorrah, a long-winded diatribe in which he blamed liberals for virtually every social problem the country's ever had. He bitched about rock and rap music, saying they're "impoverished emotionally, aesthetically, and intellectually." So now he's a music critic.

He attacked the ordination of female priests and Catholics who follow only church doctrine with which they agree. But then he turns around and ridicules the Catholic Church's call for a just wage, saying they don't understand economics. So who's being selective now?

He calls multiculturalism "barbarism" and says the only significant racism and sexism in this country today is the kind directed against straight white men. Oh, here we go again. Everybody get your violins out.

The guy's a wacko. But don't call him a fascist. He doesn't like that. Of course, that's what he said about liberals, but apparently that's OK. We certainly don't want to argue with Mr. Know-It-All.

Hey, Bob -- go Bork yourself.