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Rev. Pat Robertson

TV evangelist Pat Robertson says he has frequent discussions with God. Oh, I'll bet The Big Guy never gets tired of hearing from Pat. I wonder who does most of the talking.

Head of the Christian Broadcasting Network and, until recently, the Family Channel (which he sold to Rupert Murdoch for $1.9 billion), Pat became a major GOP force after he placed ahead of George Bush in the 1988 Iowa caucuses. This led to his creation of the Christian Coalition, which has since given major hell to both moderate Republicans and Democrats.

At the 1992 Republican National Convention, he inflicted wounds on Bush's already-wobbling campaign with a speech that reminded the nation that the GOP was full of bigots and religious fanatics.

Pat has said and done some crazy things in his time. Even his own wife, Dede, once called him a "religious nut." She said Pat ran off to Canada in the 1960s for a month-long religious retreat while she was seven months pregnant with their second child. She told him no God she knew would tell a guy to run off like that when his wife's about to give birth.

And the conspiracy theories this guy cooks up! In his 1991 book, The New World Order, he warned against Satan worshipers, drug dealers, assassins, and gays. Also mentioned are European bankers and greedy money changers, which is his polite way of saying "Jews." He claimed they are involved in satanic conspiracies.

Pat is especially terrified of gays. In 1998, he warned the city of Orlando against decorating its streetlight poles with rainbow flags to welcome gays and lesbians to Disney World.

"You're right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don't think I'd be waving those flags in God's face if I were you. . . It'll bring about terrorist bombs; it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes and possibly a meteor."

Aw, Pat, if He was really pissed, He'd send them six feet of snow and kill the orange groves.

In 1995, CBN threatened legal action against TV stations if they didn't stop running commercials on the dangers of anti-gay hate speech. Spots by PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) showed a stressed-out teenager considering suicide and a mother discussing her son's murder in a gay bashing.

Pat's lawyer said the ads implied that his client promotes crimes against gays. Yet Pat did call homosexuality "demon activity," so what's his message? Don't hit gay people -- just give them the finger?

That same year, Mel White, a ghostwriter who penned Pat's big 1988 campaign speech, was arrested for trespassing on Pat's property. In the closet when he wrote "America's Date With Destiny," Mel vowed to stay in jail until Pat denounced anti-gay violence. He said Pat preached anti-gay sermons for fund-raising purposes.

Pat doesn't care for the pretty boys -- unless, of course, you count Ralph Reed, former spokesmodel for the Christian Coalition. But Ralph is a straight boy, and Pat's history is pretty straight, too.

In fact, a marine buddy of his swore in a deposition that Pat messed around with prostitutes and was once afraid he had gonorrhea. Pat denies it, but admits he did indulge in wine, women and song. OK, Pat, if that's what you want to call it.