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Southern Baptist Convention

The Southern Baptist Convention has been getting a lot of bad press these days. It's been that way ever since the fanatics took it over in the late 1970s.

But not all Baptists are bigots and lunatics. Most of them are good, decent folks, and not all of them are Republicans. Our two most recent Democratic Presidents have been Southern Baptists. So is Vice President Al Gore.

But, lately, the kooks have been driving away the normal folks. As a result, many moderate churches have withdrawn from the Convention.

President Clinton wouldn't be welcome there. In 1998, the Convention almost passed a measure to force his home church in Little Rock to censure him for pro-gay policies. They were riled up about his order to bar anti-gay discrimination in the federal work force.

And they're pissed off at Mickey Mouse, too. In 1997, they voted to boycott Disney and its subsidiaries because of so-called pro-gay, anti-family policies. Gay Day at Disney World? They don't like that, and don't talk to them about health benefits for domestic partners, either.

And Ellen's coming-out episode? They'd rather have seen one where she enrolled in a get-straight conversion program and married a nice Christian (i.e., non-Jewish) fellow.

These folks are especially hard on gays. Apparently there was an Eleventh Commandment that covered all the gay stuff, but it broke off when Moses dropped the stone tablets on his way down the mountain. That Moses was such a klutz.

But they're tough on straight folks, too. Well...women, mainly. In 1998, they put their foot down and made clear that the husband is the boss. They said a wife should "submit graciously" to her man. They don't go for this equal partner business.

You've probably heard the old riddle, "why are Baptists against premarital sex? Answer: Because it might lead to dancing." But why are they so opposed to dancing? Because it hurts to boogie with a humongous stick up your butt.

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UPDATE - 6/17/00

Well, true to form, the Baptists have managed to outdo themselves again. At their 2000 Convention, they decided that women should no longer be allowed to serve as pastors.

Of course, they're just blowing off steam, as usual. Their little tantrums make the headlines, but member churches don't have to pay them any mind. The Convention's word isn't binding.

But it's got to make some of the ladies wonder why the hell they're knocking themselves out for a church that tells them they're not good enough for the pulpit. Well, you better watch your step, guys. You may find yourselves doing those wifely chores you always cringe at.

Tune in to this page next year when I'm sure the Baptist Convention will find a way to one-up themselves. My prediction: banning male pastors with girly names -- which may not be such a bad idea after all.