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Rush Limbaugh

He used to be on TV, but I guess he got too big for the screen. Now Rush, whose weight has gone up as high as 370, is sticking to radio. That's a good place to put ugly people.

His diatribes are broadcast over 600 radio stations and heard by over 20 million listeners. He tells his fans -- dittoheads, he calls them -- to not read newspapers. He translates the news for them, then tosses out statistics -- many of them phony.

He's made a big impact on conservative voters -- not to mention a lot of furniture -- which is amazing since he never registered to vote until he was 35. He says Reagan should be put on Mount Rushmore, though he never voted for him.

Rush's TV audiences looked a lot like him: overweight, middle-aged white folks who probably never dated during their teens. Now all they want to do is make money and pig out at the all-you-can-eat buffet.

Some folks think Rush is funny, but others find him boorish. On his short-lived TV show he made fun of then-12-year-old Chelsea Clinton shortly after she moved into the White House. Announcing that the Clintons have a dog, he held up Chelsea's picture. Hey, that's pretty low, picking on a kid! What the hell's wrong with you, Tubby?

Then he said Bill Clinton was wrong to suggest right-wing radio shows encouraged the 1995 bombing in Oklahoma City. Never mind that he once said don't "kill ALL the liberals. Leave enough around so we can have two on every campus. . . so we will never forget what these people stood for." I guess a guy would have to be crazy to think Rush really meant to kill liberals. Exactly. It's the crazy ones that concern us.

Rush says he likes to debate ideas, but he debates no one. He controls the mike, screens calls, and delivers monologues that demonize his opponents.

And just look at his book titles: See, I Told You So, and The Way Things Ought to Be. He wants folks to think he's a real Smarty-Pants. Well, anybody can make up their own facts.

Rush has been married three times. He met his current wife on the Internet, which proves just how dangerous chat rooms really are. His first two wives left him because they didn't want a guy who sat on his ass all day. That's what his brother said.

His first wife said he had a hard time with relationships. A friend of his said Rush told him after his divorce that he was through with women and would become asexual.

He doesn't cotton to women he considers feminists. He calls them "feminazis," which I guess is any woman who won't cook or clean up after him.

Growing up in Missouri, he was a lonely, unpopular, fat kid. He didn't date or go to his senior prom. In fact, he once hid himself in the backseat of a car to watch a friend neck with his date.

Rush was trying to learn how to do it. Sounds like somebody was too cheap to buy his own porn.

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A dittohead (who calls himself "Doormat," which tells you something) wrote recently to say that I was wrong to call Rush "fat" because ol' Rush dropped a ton of weight. So I've heard, and good for him. But he's still a hog, and always will be.