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Rick Lazio

I keep getting this guy confused with that cute little Cuban kid, Elian. Hey, don't you need to be at least 21 to run for the U.S. Senate?

Actually, it's 30, and Little Ricky Lazio is 42. He just doesn't act like it.

Unless you've been stuck on an island with the cast of Survivor, you probably know that Little Ricky has jumped into New York's Senate race against Hillary Rodham Clinton.

He'd been antsy about running for over a year, but Governor George Pataki brushed him aside and instead endorsed his own arch-enemy, Rudy Giuliani. (Go figure that one.) But then ill-tempered Rudy had a few tantrums too many, plus he shafted his wife with a surprise public announcement that he's dumping her. With his poll numbers tanking, he pulled out of the race.

So, with just five months till the election, Little Ricky, waiting in the wings, jumps in. And what a start it was! Dashing out of the gate like a frisky puppy just unleashed, he really dived into the race head-first. At a Long Island parade, he darted back and forth to greet folks when, suddenly, down he went, face first onto the asphalt. Poor Little Ricky. His beautiful, toothy trademark smile was marred. He had busted open his lip and ended up getting eight stitches. (But he didn't cry.) And it happened just before he was to speak at the State Republican Convention. Poor little thing -- barely got started and already he looked like he'd been in a fight.

A little advice, Ricky: tell your Mommy she needs to do a better job of dressing you. No wonder you fell down: slick leather-soled shoes and that little frat boy outfit with the navy blazer and khaki pants. Uh-uh. And those pants you had on that day looked way too tight. Stop trying to remind us what a cute little butt you have.

But one major campaign event Ricky kept his butt away from was Manhattan's annual Gay Pride Parade. Most New York politicians pay their respects to the gay community by marching. Even Rudy Giuliani. But Ricky's butt was nowhere to be found. He said he was busy that day. Hmmm. Maybe he was afraid the guys would be overwhelmed by how adorable he is. Or maybe he was afraid his butt cheeks couldn't stand so much pinching. Aw, Ricky, you shouldn't have worried your pretty little head over that. Those guys wouldn't have hit on you. Your total lack of fashion sense would have left them cold.

Now the campaign is in high gear. So what's Ricky's strategy? Basically, that he's a sweet boy, and that his opponent is a scary, mean old witch. I don't know about that one, Ricky. Voters might decide they'd rather elect a grown-up. And it doesn't help your cause when you get caught on camera licking an ice cream cone.

And reminding voters that you're from New York, as you keep repeating? We're glad you know where you live, in case you get lost.

But honestly, Ricky! -- that commercial you've got running. Don't act coy with me, young man. You know which one I mean. Telling folks that you have an imaginary friend named Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan! And then superimposing your picture next to his!

You're itching for a whipping, boy!